


Shepard's Memories

by shadow0246



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-05
Updated: 2013-03-19
Packaged: 2017-11-15 16:50:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 9
Words: 29,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/529442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shadow0246/pseuds/shadow0246
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After he had brought an end to the Reapers by destroying them, how does Shepard deal with the loss of Edi and the Geth? What more can life offer?</p><p>(About the Major Character Death: This applies to Edi and the Geth. I consider Edi a major character because I really like(d) her.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Shepard’s Memories – I. “Please, trust me.”

**Author's Note:**

> About the Major Character Death warning: This applies to Edi and the Geth. I consider Edi a major character because I really like(d) her.
> 
> The story could still recieve an update, depending on if I want to write a follow up or not. Otherwise there is still our "I write daily" Reunited story with my friend.
> 
> I still don't like the endings, even after the EC DLC. I have to say, I only played the original end *once*. Then I went to ff.net and ao3 to get my fix of fix it up fictions. I youtubed the other original endings. I youtubed the enhanced endings. Omega and Citadel dlc will not play any role, I haven't bought them.
> 
> One day at tumblr I saw a piece of artwork showing Shepard, sitting there head in hands and Legion standing behind him as a ghost. That pic made me write this little story. Furthermore Andrew Ryan's artwork is reason why it got longer than I thought (nothing wrong there ;), I'd say.)
> 
> I actually also have thoughts/notes of a story before this, how they found Shepard etc. Just no idea when or if I will write it.
> 
> Any grammar/spelling mistakes are mine. While I'm really combing every chapter through, several times actually, please keep in mind english is not my first language.

### I. “Please, trust me.”

Shepard was restless, the night was wearing on and he couldn’t sleep. The bed next to him was empty and cold as Kaidan was away on a job. It was something important, but Jase hadn’t asked and Kaidan? He knew he shouldn’t tell. Turning once again over Jase pressed his face into his cushion while blindly reaching over to grab Kaidan’s. He slowly dragged it over and hugged it close to his chest, trying to become comfortable.

It didn’t help a lot though and Jase reached out, slapping on the light on his watch. It made a weird noise and for a second he thought he had killed the watch. But the lights lit up and Shepard could read the time.

“3.40am,” Jase groaned softly while rolling onto his back. He could just give up on trying to sleep. Again. Like the other nights.

It was a late summer night and he was, of course, alone. Turning onto his side to glare at the now dark watch, Jase scratched his head, thinking. He was lucky to have Kaidan. Jase had loved him since before Eden Prime but had never acted on it. Hadn’t shown any interest into sex either while they had been hunting Saren. Hadn’t been after any adventures or one night stands like all those years before, hadn’t broadcast his preferences. Only Liara had known, when he had told her he was sorry, but was only interested in men.

Joker had been on his list of interest too. The pilot’s humor was something he enjoyed and Jase knew, if Jeff would have shown any interest, he’d have persuaded him. Vroliks or not, Jeff’s handicap wouldn’t have been a problem for him.

And yet it was Kaidan who captured his heart, returned his interest. On Virmire it had been either Ashley or Kaidan and Jase knew he still felt bad about having to send someone to their certain death. A friend, even.

Jase rolled onto his other side. Sending someone to their death – a decision he had hoped not having to do again, an experience he had hoped not having to repeat again – and yet he had done it. Only this time, the other part hadn’t even known, hadn’t realized what he had been about to do, to decide.

Edi. The Geth.

The Rachni Queen, she had lived because Jase had refused to take part in a genocide. And Tuchanka? He had been there, helping Mordin and Wrex curing the genophage.

Jase groaned into his cushion and heaved a heavy sigh. Genocide. He had eradicated a whole race. Legion had died for nothing, in the end.

Legion. Edi.

Jeff.

He’d been avoiding the man for weeks. The pilot had come to visit him in the hospital and they had sat there in silence. Until Jase had spoken up, saying  _I’m sorry_. And from there on had been more silence between them. What was there to say? Jase couldn’t bring Edi back and he knew what it meant to lose a lover. The time after Nathan had been killed had been hard enough. He hadn’t thought that one day he would be forced  into deciding between the genocide of a race, Edi, and the safety of the galaxy.

Jase kicked the blanket off and went into their living room, fetching the bottle of white wine, pouring himself a glass.

It had been the only option. Controlling the Reapers? – No. Who was to ensure it was going to work? Who could say with absolute certainty that they would be peaceful and not go rogue on the galaxy, again? He himself? No. Not even he trusted himself with such a task. And violating the galaxy with some kind of genetically forced space magic, creating a race with no real genetical diversity, becoming what the Protheans killed eventually? No, he couldn’t do that either. Even Mordin had said so, too.

Diversity was the answer. In every single fashion. They could work together, the galaxy had proven they could. Taking this away from them was not an option either.

The glass was empty and Jase filled it again. He knew he shouldn’t drink, his shrink had said so. He knew it himself, too. But who could understand this whole mess? Kaidan did, and he missed him. Had promised him to … behave.

Jase reached over and turned on the stereo. The music began to fill the room. Jase placed the glass down, grabbed the bottle and took several gulps from it directly. The liquid flowed down his throat and he nearly ended up coughing. Patting his own chest Jase screwed his eyes shut, heaving in some shaky breaths. It was stupid, drinking so much at once. His body felt restless now and he stood up, dancing to the music. It was funny, they always said he couldn’t dance, but who cared? It helped to make him feel better. To relax, to forget and focus. Even Jeff had danced.

They called him a hero. Savior. As much as he had given the galaxy the chance to win against the reapers, he also had a lot of blood on his hands.

Synthetic blood.

Jase sighed. The next song was slow and somewhat sad and he just stood there, eyes closed, head upwards and hummed along.

The kid who had lost his parents, had joined a gang, had grown up into the LT who’d lost his men on Akuze. The man who defeated Saren, had died, had come back to defeat the Collectors. Who had written history, by having killed 300.000 Batarians, Edi and the Geth. The N7, the soldier and engineer, the man he was – had sacrificed another part of himself and his soul, for the greater good.

The terminal beeped and Jase looked at it, bewildered. Who was calling at this time? The bottle went back onto the couch table and Jase turned the stereo off to answer it.

“Jase,” came the familiar voice, “you do realize you’re supposed to be asleep?”

Jase looked surprised, eyebrows raised, but there was the hint of a smile on his face. The blue eyes were smiling gently, showing the love he felt.

“Kaidan,” he breathed out the name, “are you spying on me?”

Kaidan chuckled and shook his head. “Actually, no. I just received a complaint from the guy living above us. I, uh, think he said something about loud music in the middle of the night. Don’t suppose you know something about this? You know, you’re still a Spectre. I’m sure you could look into it.”

Jase smirked a little and shook his head. So. The guy had called Kaidan instead to call him, or knock on their door. Not that he blamed him, apparently he had learned his lesson. Or rather, apparently the man knew Shepard could possibly deck him again. The broken nose had been enough. Jase had apologized for it, too. That had been two weeks ago and they were still not back on speaking terms, avoiding each other. It had been thanks to Kaidan and their hero status that the man hadn’t pressed any charges.

“I’ll look into it. Don’t know what he’s heard though, it’s all quiet here.” Jase waved his hand, motioning around.

“Mmh,” Kaidan replied thoughtfully. He wasn’t really buying it but let the matter rest. He leaned forward, “Perhaps he’s heard some kind of a ghost. But that’s not why I called.”

“Oh? How so?”

“I’ll be home by tomorrow evening. I thought you’d like to hear the news right away.”

“Weren’t you afraid to wake me up? Good news, though. It’ll be good to have you back home, Kaidan.” Jase smiled at him, mentally setting up a list on what he was going to cook. Finally he could make use of the few things he had actually learned as a child.

“I know you Shepard. You’ve been probably awake for the whole night and …,” Kaidan’s eyes went all over Shepard’s body, the parts he could see, “right now you’re thinking about cooking. Don’t …uh.. bother though, I want to take you out. To a date.”

He didn’t want to go out, being seen. Questioned. Or being interviewed by a reporter. Or a whole gaggle of reporters. “Kaidan, … I .. Please?”  Or eating food while others still had to endure hunger. Or because of so many other things, facing other people. He needed time.

“Shepard. You trust me, don’t you?”

Silence.

Jase’s eyes were anywhere but on the terminal’s screen.

“Please, trust me,” Kaidan tried again, gently coaxing his lover. The shell needed to be broken and Kaidan knew he had to get him out of the apartment. Holing up there wasn’t an option. “Jase? Please?”

Kaidan was begging and the man usually doesn’t beg. Jase knew when Kaidan was asking like this, it means the world, or rather the galaxy to the other man. After some quick thinking he nodded eventually.

“Yeah. All right. Just for you though. Cause. You know.” Jase paused, thinking back to when he had said these words the first time. The most impossible timing in the whole galaxy, but they had been said.

“Because I love you.”

“I love you, too,” Kaidan answered, voice soft. This time he was smiling, not wearing the desperate look on his face when Jase had to leave. “You’ll like it. I promise. Now, how about you try to get some more sleep? I’d hate to ask you out on a date and while we’re there have you be half asleep on your feet.” Kaidan grinned, gently teasing him.

Being half asleep on their date? No, Shepard couldn’t have that.

“Aye aye, Major Alenko.” Jase replied dryly, eyes twinkling. Maybe he should have saluted, too. Just to tease him even more.

Kaidan chuckled softly, especially when the smile broke out on his lover’s face.

“Dream of me, Jase. I’ll always be with you. Good night.”

“I will. Good night, Kaidan.”

The terminal went dark and the room was quiet. Jase listened to any possible sounds but only the occasional squeak coming from Bill the hamster disrupted the silence. It was night, after all. People usually slept at night, even peacefully now.

Jase yawned and rubbed his eyes. So. A date. Important enough to make Kaidan plead with him. Or maybe it was just Kaidan’s usual way to get him to have some sleep. Kaidan had been gone from their home for a week now and Jase found he didn’t like being alone.

But, Kaidan had called him. Jase smiled. Kaidan had called. Again at the time when he had needed it most.

The bottle on the couch table was still half full, or half empty, depending on how someone saw it. Jase took it, thinking of throwing it away, letting the liquid flow out into the sink. But he liked white wine and times were bad. Instead he took the bottle and placed it into the fridge, saving it for another time.

The day was starting outside, the sun ready to rise to enlighten the world with its golden rays, bathing in it, promising another day of life. Jase looked out of the kitchen window, savouring the sight for a minute until he decided to follow Kaidan’s order.

Bed and sleep.

Another day, but so many didn’t live to see it. Another day, and yet so many people  _could_  see it.

Because of him. Because of the decision.

And Jase himself was here too, able to witness it. On the other side. The other side of the war. The time after they had defeated the Reapers.

Jase trudged off towards their bed, contemplating to pop a sleeping pill. It wouldn’t do any good though, because he’s had some wine. Alcohol and sleeping pills don’t mix well, that he knew. ‘Kaidan,’ Jase smiled at the thought.

“Kaidan,” he said the name aloud this time as he walked to the bed and sat down. Jase frowned then and stood up. No, not sleeping in his own bed. Instead he walked over to the other side and laid down in Kaidan’s bed.

“Yeah…,” Jase pressed his face into his lover’s cushion, just like he had done before with his. This time, however, he felt more content. He tucked the blanket tightly around his body and after sighing softly, Shepard fell asleep with a small smile on his face.


	2. Shepard’s Memories – II. Loverboy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kaidan's coming home.

### II. Loverboy

It wasn't until well after noon that Jase woke up. He stretched and yawned still lying in Kaidan’s bed, threw off the sheet and stretched again. The left hand was lazily scratching his bare belly and the right one pushed through the growing strands of his hair.

The afternoon sun was shining through the green curtain of their bedroom and Jase turned his head to watch it, eyes following the shadow play of the outside tree which was caused by a mild breeze. The gentle breeze found its way inside the bedroom, wafting along the ajar window.

Earth.

Only earth had trees this tall, only earth had seasons like this one and only earth would have a breeze which smelled of  _earth_.

Earth.

Six months ago the war had ended.

Seven months ago the war was going full blown, no one knowing how it  _would_  end.

Jase sat up and carefully swung his legs over the edge of the bed, gripping the edge of the mattress tightly and faced the window, with its slightly waving curtain. Last week Kaidan had added them for him, commenting how old fashioned they actually were, not really needed. They set Shepard’s mind at ease though. Gave him privacy, comfort. Peace.

Peace.

Suddenly, the memory of the boy came back, how he had stood at the window while he was in detention, watching the child play with a small alliance’s ship model. Jase cringed. Shook his head. Rubbed his hair and shook his head again. He stood up and went to the window, pushing aside the curtains, looking outside. Just to make sure it was a memory.

Traffic. Street. Sidewalks.

People were busy. The house across them was being rebuilt, step by step. It went slow, but they were making progress. One day and more people would live here in this street.

Close to the hero.

There were a few children walking along the street, their parents leading them along. Or a mom, or a dad. Or maybe one of them was an orphan too, just like he himself.

Jase scratched his chin, perhaps he should open a shelter for those who are as unfortunate as he was. Was he lucky? Maybe now he was, he didn’t know. And once again he stood there with his right hand flat on the window, forehead pressed against the glass, watching the street. The same way like he had done it as a child, when he had been watching people, wondering if one of the women looked like his mother.

But today things were different. Today he didn’t search for his mother’s face, today he was trying to see how people felt about their life, their future. Some were carrying a shadow on their face, others more, or less too. Some looked downright happy, even relieved.

So, maybe he had made a difference. Had brought them peace, a future. Maybe they didn’t see him as a mass murderer. Maybe they really believed he was a hero, a man who could change an entire galaxy. Or rather, who  **had**  changed the entire galaxy. But the price that had come with it, it was high. High enough to break a man’s soul. Was it breaking him? It was close, he knew that, but too stubborn to give in.

And yet, many didn’t even realize just how high the price had been for their victory. Only Jeff knew. And the quarians.

For everyone else the Geth were nothing but a distant memory of an enemy which was not to be trusted and Edi, an AI which was forbidden to be built and used.

Jase blinked as a drone was flying towards his window, remaining at his height. The soft whirring sound caught his full attention and a light was blinding him. He swore, janked the curtains back together and pushed the window close, shutting out any sound from the street, any soft breeze that had come through before.

“God damn reporters!” Shepard vented loudly, face grimacing in anger. “Damn it!”

At least he had been wearing his sleeping boxer shorts and hadn’t been totally naked. Great, now he knew they’d have another picture of him, or even a quick vid feed.

How would that go tonight, with Kaidan? Would they hunt him down again?

Until then he had some time to kill. Like getting shaved, taking off the beard that had grown by now. The idea of it was to distract the reporters, lead them on, giving him the option to blend in some more. Well. Maybe he should try a face surgery, or something. Change the eye color, hair color, maybe grow a belly. Jase doubted Kaidan would like this, maybe at first it was kind of funny for the biotic but then…

The terminal beeped and Jase glared at it. His instinct told him it was  **not**  Kaidan. The beep sounded different when Kaidan was calling. Some people might call him crazy for this, but this beeping sounded angry.

Jase grabbed an old t-shirt, it was wrinkled and smelled as it was in a dire need of a wash and threw it on. Who cared. Terminals couldn’t sniff around and he pushed the button, hitting it harder than he needed, hoping the terminal wouldn’t break.

“Yes?!” He answered it angrily.

Jesus, he needed to get a grip. Or people really would start thinking he was going to rip their heads off, or claim he was a maniac.

Maybe he was, by now.

“Commander Shepard? I’m sorry for disturbing you. I wanted to remind you of your appointment with Dr. T’Soni.”

Oh.  _Shit_.

He wanted to groan, show his frustration and more. Instead Jase fingered his eyes before he answered in a calm and steady voice, betraying his inner turmoil.

“Inform Dr. T’Soni I won’t be seeing her today.”

“But sir, you have already cancelled your last meeting…”

“I’m very well aware of it, Cassy. Cancel it. Tell her,” Jase stopped, wondering what exactly Cassy should tell her, “Tell her I’m sorry.”

“… Understood. Sir? Admiral Hackett has asked to meet you.”

The woman on the terminal was watching him, waiting for an answer and Jase was fidgeting around.

Hackett, of course. Jase knew he should feel glad Hackett was actually asking first, without ordering him to meet him. He was still on leave, having taken a long time out for medical reasons too. And now, he surely wanted to have an answer on what he was going to do.

Was going back to active duty even an option?

Maybe later, Jase figured, once he’d gotten his shit sorted and. Well. Maybe. Or not. What would Kaidan want? And he himself? Jase had no idea what he wanted right now, aside of the need to be left alone, seeing no one else but Kaidan.

“Sir?”

Jase blinked at the terminal’s picture once, trying to find an answer. More for his own sake than for Cassy’s. He would have to talk to him. Better to get over with it and be done. He could ask her when he’d have some free time, but Jase nearly laughed at this. There was a lot of free time he currently had and the few appointments he had, he mostly skipped out on, avoided the people or came up with some convenient excuses.

“Commander?”

“Yes? Next week, all right? Make one for next week.” Jase stared at her, and added, “Please,” to it. He felt like a prick and he knew he wasn’t one.

“Perhaps after your next week’s meeting with Dr. Michaels?”

“Yeah,” Jase drawled, straightening up. More sessions with his shrink. He had the feeling Hackett was going to ask for a report from the good Doctor.

“Very well. Sir?” Cassy smiled at him and Jase wondered if he would ever manage to upset her enough so that she would lose that smile. Christ, he was nasty. The woman didn’t deserve this. She was doing a good job and everyone close to him knew he wasn’t the easiest person to be around right now.

“Yes Cassy?” Jase tried to smile at her, but it didn’t reach his eyes. And yet, she relaxed, smiling back at him.

“Dr. Michaels is expecting you in two hours. I will send you a cab to have you picked up, sir.”

Aw. Damn. It. Shit. He had forgotten. Of course. That’s why he was supposed to see Liara today too, before the appointment. Jase leaned forward, smiling at her. Anyone who knew him would have realized it was the smile of a predator, ready to bounce its prey and rip it into shreds.

“Thank you Cassy. Good work. I better go and get ready for my appointment,” Jase pushed the terminal button and the screen went blank. Before he’d really snarl something rude at her.

“Can’t have Dr. Michaels waiting on me again, can you. Unlike last time where I…” Jase stopped. No use talking to himself. No use either to insult Cassy, because he actually liked her. He needed to get a grip. On himself and his life.

 

Jase stared at the picture in the mirror, at himself, his growing hair and beard. Once again he checked over his shirt, making sure it sat correctly, combed his hair, rubbed his eyes, adjusted his pants. Had he lost some weight? Checked the socks and the shoes. Shoes were polished, nicely in black, just as he liked it. Pants were neat, in black too and the shirt? It was white. Classic. He checked the buttons again. Perfect. Well, maybe not so perfect, considering the fuzz around his face but Kaidan hadn’t complained. Yet. He should have shaved. Now he had the urge to shave. Now, of all the sudden, he  _wanted_  to get rid of this beard.

Irritating behaviour. Mood swings. Sleeping problems. And more.

The session with Dr. Michaels had been good, he felt a little bit better, more confident with himself and the world right now. Right now. Maybe tonight could be even better. On their date.

“Ready?” Kaidan asked as he walked into their bedroom and stopped to stand behind Shepard, eyeing him in the mirror. “You look good.”

“Yeah? Thanks.” Jase replied, scratching the beard. “You don’t mind this?” Jase asked, tucking gently at the wiry hairs, studying it. It was a lot of hair, dark and hard. Shepard himself preferred his men without a beard, yet the rest of the body should sport at least  _some_  hair, if not a whole lot more.

“What, the beard? No, I don’t mind it Jase. If I did, I would have told you already, trust me on that, loverboy.”

There was a playful slap on his ass and Jase grinned at the mirrored Kaidan with a raised eyebrow.

“Loverboy?”

“Yeah,” came the playful reply and Jase watched the quirky furrow of Kaidan’s brow, the way his face played out the emotion, letting him know it was all in jest. “Loverboy. Hey, weren’t you supposed to say something like, ‘You look good, too.’ ? I mean, I made you a compliment and… What?” Kaidan chuckled at Jase’s mirrored face.

“I missed you.” Jase simply stated, turning around to face his.. boyfriend? He didn’t like the title of boyfriend, because to him this meant a whole lot more and  _boyfriend_  didn’t even cover it.

“I missed you, too.”

Kaidan was staring into his eyes and Jase felt like frozen in place, as if Kaidan was waiting for something. Maybe a kiss? Yes. Jase leaned in and kissed him, gently nipping at the lower lip, enjoying the touch, the warmth of it, the softness of Kaidan’s lip. The scent. The light stubble around his chin, sending tingles along the hairs of his beard when it connected with Kaidan’s.

And yet he knew if they wanted to they both could play it rough, tear their clothes apart, push and shove, even smash the other one onto a wall and grind away. Make love.

Or just be like this, gentle, with a smile, the hint of love in the air, knowing they had something more on their mind but saving it for later. They had time.

“You look good, too.” Jase told him softly after breaking the gentle kiss.

“Thanks.” Kaidan grinned at him a little and stepped away.

“Even with that grey hair of yours,” Jase added, smirking.

“Oh, hehe, yeah. You just had to mention this…,” Kaidan trailed off, taking Jase’s hand, tucking him along.

“Yeah, I had to. Looks… interesting,” Shepard explained, following him quite willingly. He was getting hungry and they were going out, having a dinner date. Something they hadn’t had time for when the war was still raging on.


	3. “I’m sorry, I lied.” – For all the good intentions

### III. “I’m sorry, I lied.” – For all the good intentions

“So,” Kaidan started while he put away the fork, took the napkin and dabbed his mouth. “You saw Dr. Michaels today. How was it?”

“Aaah…,” Jase exhaled not wanting to answer this. Instead he took his glass and drained the rest of his water, just to stall the upcoming  _possible_  answer.

The food had been good, even when it only consisted of basics. It had been better than nothing and filled the hole in his stomach nicely. They had been having a good time too and now Kaidan was asking this. Jase looked at his boyfriend and suddenly realized he wanted to call him actually husband, just like Cortez had spoken about his husband. Husband. Yes. Not mate, or partner, or lover. Or..  _boyfriend_. No, husband.

“Jase? I’m not asking for details, I just wanted to know if..”

“Yes. I get that.” Jase cut him off. It wasn’t a polite thing to do, it was even a bit on the rude side in his books, but the topic was touchy and why bring it up at all, at such a nice evening?

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan said and Jase said “Sorry,” too at the same time. After a moment of awkward silence they both started to grin at each other and Jase nodded, picking at the table cloth, trying to find the right words.

“It was.. good. We talked, she asked some questions, I  _tried_  to answer. Something like that,” Jase waved his hand, looking away, checking the other tables. Was anyone here who knew who he was? No one looked back directly, and when someone met his gaze, it wasn’t for long.

“Jase, relax. No one is going to hassle you here.”

Jase nodded, while still gazing across the tables, took the napkin and wiped his hands on it. The napkin was wet now from his sweaty hands and he folded it into a ball, gently tossing it onto his empty plate. And yet his hands were still sweaty and he sighed, trying to rub them dry on his pant legs this time.

“Jase,” Kaidan tried again, nudging his foot gently under the table. “Relax.”

“Yeah,” Shepard answered, nodding and looked away again. “Yeah I’m relaxing,” he reassured Kaidan and sighed then. “I’m an idiot. I used to walk past all those people, not even noticing them and now they… Shit Kaidan, I don’t know. I just. I just want to feel normal again.”

And not guilt ridden, grief ridden for Edi, Legion. Even Mordin he missed. And Anderson. Jase looked away to the other side of their table, blinking. Damn it, he shouldn’t have thought of Anderson.

“Jase. Hey… it’s all right,” came the soothing whisper from across the table. And the foot below was gently rubbing his inner calf now while Kaidan’s hand reached over the table to take Shepard’s into his, thumb caressing the back of the hand.

Jase was watching their hands, the movement of Kaidan’s thumb, connecting it in his mind to the gentle touch he was feeling. He nodded eventually. “Used to be my line.”

Kaidan chuckled softly. “Yeah and I think it’s about time someone’s taking over yours and giving you the backup you need. You know, you’re as much human as we are. You have feelings, too. And… I’m here for you.”

Jase couldn’t help but smile a little at what Kaidan had said. Being there for him. Human. “Not a  high-tech VI that thinks it’s Commander Shepard. Human.”

“Human. That you are, there’s just a little more to you than the eye can see.”

Jase quirked another smile and sniffed a little. “That brat on the Citadel implied I’d die too.” Jase scanned the tables again, it was getting late and people were leaving. “It was wrong.”

“I’m glad it was wrong,” Kaidan told Jase, watching him, still holding his hand, caressing it.

“Yeah. Me too.” Jase looked down at his empty plate, picking at the table cloth again, but this time with his left hand. “I just…,” he sighed, then looked at Kaidan, into those wonderful brown eyes which were full of emotions just for him, “I just wish it’d have lied about Edi, too. Or the geth…”

“Or both of them,” Kaidan finished the sentence. Once again. They had been having this discussion before, but Jase hadn’t been as calm about it as he was right now. Maybe things were getting better. Kaidan  _hoped_  he was getting better.

“Yeah.” Jase nodded and thought, ‘Or both of them.’ Then he fell silent. Actually he would have said some more, but why? And Kaidan, he probably was going to say he should tell all of that Joker, too. But Jase couldn’t really face the man yet. There was too much guilt. And yet, perhaps he should, the longer he waited the more difficult it became, but. But. Jeff. If Kaidan had died, too…

Jase’s head snapped up and he watched his… husband. Husband. Not yet, but at some point. It had been close, too close. A little closer and he’d have lost him. Mars had been bad already. Virmire? God. Ashley.

“Aah, excuse me please,” Kaidan started, removing his hand gently from Jase’s, “I need to visit the restroom.”

“Yeah. Okay.” Jase nodded, feeling startled and brought out of his musings. Kaidan was walking away, giving Jase a nice view of his behind and Jase watched. Yeah. Nice view indeed, and all his.

Once Kaidan had completely disappeared Shepard brought up his omni-tool, flicking it on. He could read the food chart instead but that was boring. Okay, so maybe reading his personal schedule was pretty boring too, but Jase knew he needed to keep better track of his appointments. Having a personal assistant like on the Normandy just to remind him of a very few appointments was embarrassing enough already. After all he was at ‘home’, chilling.

Wednesday – Checkup at 11 am, and at 1 pm physiotherapy for his knees.  
Thursday – free day  
Friday – 2pm physiotherapy again

Then it was weekend and next week. Who knew. There wasn’t a lot on his schedule and yet he kept forgetting all about it, on purpose, most of the time.

Shepard shut down the omni-tool, eyes searching for Kaidan. How long had he been gone? Too long, for his likes. Sometimes he felt like a little kid since London, going all angry about the most impossible things. As if he wasn’t getting his sweets. How strange. Now he was feeling restless because Kaidan wasn’t here with him. Checking his surroundings, Shepard stood up and walked over towards the corridor where the restrooms were located. Past the empty tables and the working  waitress. He nodded at her, noticing how she wiped her hands off her apron after cleaning a table. The woman smiled back, acknowledging the greeting and went back to her work.

Jase heard voices, one of them was Kaidan’s as he neared the restroom. Yet said voices weren’t coming from inside the room and he followed them down the small hall. Jase strode through the sparsely lit corridor, past the men’s restroom. There was another door and it opened, allowing him to step inside.

“Kaidan?” Jase asked, momentarily blinded by the light inside.

“Shepard!” Kaidan called back in surprise and Jase frowned.

“What are you doing here?” Shepard replied at this and his eyes fell first on Kaidan, then onto the man standing next to him. “Joker? That you?”

 

Things were awkward. That’s what it felt like. Joker was awkward, Jase was awkward and Kaidan? He was awkward too.

Joker was sitting on their table, without his cap. The soft redish brown hair had grown longer and was a little bit on the curly side. Something Jase wouldn’t have guessed at all. Joker’s beard was longer, too. And the eyes. Those once green shining eyes looked sad. As if those beautiful green eyes had turned into a darker shade.

Yeah, so Jase had to admit he once had been having a crush on the pilot. Mentally he shrugged, he surely wasn’t the first person to admit this. Maybe in another life, or reality, they’d have been lovers. But not in this one. Now he had taken Edi from him and felt even more bad. For Jeff. For himself. Yes, Shepard had to admit this too. Goddamn decisions.

Decisions.

That’s what it had come down to. One decision, made for the whole galaxy by one single man. Jase snorted, maybe they should have held a voting instead. Something told him most people would have chosen the same. The Quarian’s would have chosen to control the reapers, perhaps, and Jeff? One of the other two options. He was sure. And Kaidan? Jase looked at him and noticed both of them were watching him.

“What?” Jase asked, shrugging.

“You disagree?” Kaidan asked, looking perplexed.

Jase realized he probably had been successfully pretending that he indeed had been listening, when in fact he hadn’t been listening at all.

“About what?” Jase was hoping Kaidan got the idea. No, he had been far far away with his thoughts.

“Well, Joker and I were just discussing hitting the bar upstairs. There’s a poker table and,” Kaidan eyed Joker, “Joker has brought along a friend. We think he’d join us too.”

Jase eyed them, eyed Joker. A friend? Sounded like someone he didn’t know at all.

“Yeah, we thought we could try to make you lose some money, win some back of the creds we lost to you back on the Normandy,” Joker said and Jase eyed the pilot even more.

Poker. Joker had a terrible poker face.

“You mean, what  **you**  lost to me,” Jase stated, crossing his arms. Watching them some more.

“If you don’t want to, that’s fine, you know. But,” Kaidan looked… desperate, Jase noticed, “just say if you feel up to it or not.”

Considerate. That they were. Socializing, yeah he should do it again. Be amongst people. Winning his life and confidence back. Accepting it. Moving on.

“All right. Let’s go.” Shepard stood up quickly. Before he would change his mind and embarrass Kaidan even more. He couldn’t shake off the feeling that somehow, this had been planned all along. After all it would explain the pleading from Kaidan, to agree to this  _date_. Was it still a date? He had been looking forward to a quiet evening. Spending some quality time with Kaidan, alone. And even more time alone at home, in their bed.

Kaidan’s eyebrows rose and he and Joker exchanged a glance. Aha. Shepard would have a word with Kaidan later and the meaning of a date. Which usually involved only two people and not three, let alone four.

 

“You’re sure you’re up to this?” Kaidan whispered, leaning a little closer to Joker. His eyes were watching Shepard’s back who was sitting at the bar, nursing a glass of water and having a chat with Joker’s friend.

“I’m here, aren’t I. Doesn’t that count for something? It’s me who’s lost someone, not Shepard.”

“Hey, come on. That’s not really fair.” Kaidan eyed the pilot now, wondering once again if this had been such a good idea.

“Kaidan, what do you want to hear? I lost my whole family. And to top it off, I lost Edi, too! Excuse me for feeling, you know, not like my old self. The galaxy’s decided to throw a whole lot of shit onto me and I’m trying hard to get rid of the smell. Maybe someone’s plastered a sign onto my back, reading, ‘Oh here’s Joker. Let’s just give him a hard time.’” Joker took his drink and downed half of it before he muttered, “Or something.”

Kaidan nodded slowly. “I’m sorry Joker. I really am. We all liked Edi a lot. My god, this sounds so shallow.” Kaidan rubbed his forehead a little. “Shepard’s… not doing well with this. You know, he’d lost a lover years ago. I guess I shouldn’t even tell you this, because Shepard needs to. But, he knows it. And, he feels terrible about it.”

“I get it. I’m just the pilot and he’s the saviour of the galaxy and no one should hold a grudge against him. Great, just what I need. He practically murdered Edi and mass murdered the Geth. I get the geth, but Edi? She hadn’t been doing anything wrong. She’d been helping us! She was…! She was…!” Joker was searching for the right word, girlfriend sounded too easy. The pilot turned around at the sound of a glass breaking and shattering onto the floor.

“The other half of your soul?” Jase stood there, asking. Eyes on Joker. Not really asking, more or less stating. Because that’s what it felt like with Kaidan. Who was at his side in a blinding flash, fussing over his hand. The shattered remains of the glass were on the floor, a few pieces edged into his skin, drawing blood. Jase only felt the half of it, but the words were hurting more. Murderer. Mass murderer. And yet it was the bloody truth of it.

“Jase, we need to get this cleaned up.”

There was a tuck on his lower arm and Jase tore his eyes away from Joker’s. They had stared at each other for the little time. Another tuck and he silently followed Kaidan to the restroom.

  


There were red dots in the sink, creating lines as the droplets of blood slowly travelled down towards the drain. Kaidan turned on the water once more and the droplets started to become lighter in color and blurry lines, only to be washed down and away.

Jase didn’t hiss, didn’t show any signs of emotion as Kaidan peeled out the glass pieces. He wasn’t going to die from this, those scratches wouldn’t kill him, Jase wanted to say. But the words didn’t come. There was a sigh and Jase looked into Kaidan’s eyes.

“I’m sorry – I lied. For all the good intentions I had for tonight. This… certainly wasn’t how I thought it would turn out. I’m really sorry Shepard, I should have known better and.. given you the time you obviously need.”

There went another piece of glass from his skin.

“I just thought, the two of you could talk and … move on. I mean… Well,” Kaidan sighed again and water was once again splashing across the cuts on his skin before Kaidan took a few paper towels and carefully dried the injured hand, “I don’t know anymore,” he whispered and their eyes met once more.

Kaidan looked so incredibly sad and Jase nodded slowly.

“It’s all right,” he said, voice quiet. He wasn’t really angry, he got the idea behind it. “I’ll talk to him.”


	4. Shepard’s Memories – IV. “Once is Enough”

### IV. “Once is enough.”

Two drinks in his hands, Jase stood behind Joker. The cap was back on his head and Jase was watching the other man’s back for a few seconds, contemplating if they should talk. No, talking was right. Talking was good. They  _needed_  to talk.

Mind made up Jase took the last steps to close the distance to his pilot and placed the drinks onto the table. Shepard didn’t look at him for the moment, didn’t see the green eyes watching his face, the question in them. Nor did he see the caution.

“One for you, Joker,” Jase said. It was not in his usual I’m Commander Shepard voice, but in a voice that only Kaidan knew, or his therapist. Or shrink. Or even Cassy. For a second Jase wondered if Joker thought he was going to bribe him with a drink, buy him back. What a stupid thought, actually. No credits would ever bring him Edi back.

Jase sat down at the table, looking at Joker for a second before he took the drink and culped down half of it, knowing he shouldn’t drink at all. But, to hell with it. How often had he thought about this situation and what he would say. How to explain it to someone who’s lost a lover. Was Edi even a lover? Or had they been friends only? Did she even have… could they.. god. Jase grimaced inwardly, no, he didn’t want to know about the robots anatomy and if they were able to have sex. But for Joker’s sake he carefully kept the face blank, not letting on what he just had been thinking.

After what seemed like an eternity, Jase finally cast a glance at Joker. And Joker was looking right back at him, waiting.

“I’m sorry,” Jase said, looking back down at his drink. The same words he had told him back at the hospital. It wasn’t enough though. Not good enough to mend the wound.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” Jase tried again, looking at him this time.

Their eyes met and both men held the gaze. Until Joker nodded slowly and looked down at his own drink. Fingers were curling around the glass now and the pilot studied the liquid.

“Last time I had a drink like this was back at Purgatory. Edi and I were telling us jokes and.. talking about other… things. Yeah, things. Just things. Doesn’t matter anymore, does it. It’s not important, right? Unimportant.”

Joker shrugged, studied his drink some more and Jase was watching.

“Unimportant? No. It does matter, Joker. It matters to you. Can’t be unimportant then.” The man was hurting and it did matter.

“Yeah, right. Whatever you say, Commander.” Joker averted his eyes, looking anywhere but at Shepard.

“Joker..,” Jase used his Commander voice, sitting back to watch him some more. This was not right. Not how things used to be between them.

“What? It’s not like anyone cares. It’s just a robot, nothing more. Oh here’s Joker, idiot was in love with a robot. Now it’s dead and the fool’s crying a river.” Now he took the glass, drinking some of it.

And Jase was watching again. Love. Joker had loved her. Glass pushing back and forth between his hands Jase leaned a bit forward.

“Jeff.  _She_  … was … a sentient being,” he told Joker in a soft voice.  ”Anyone saying these things needs a whack over their head.”

Joker just snorted softly and was quiet for a little while. Until their eyes locked again finally.

“Well. What’s my Commander saying then? What’s my friend saying? I thought we were friends, despite me getting you spaced in the first place. I get that you might still hold a grudge against me after all this time, I really get that. But killing off my girl? Why did you do this? No, wait a nano second. Don’t tell me why. I know why. We had to defeat the Reapers, I know that. I’m not that dense.”

Jase’s eyebrows rose a little at the rambling. Before he could reply Joker beat him to it and started again.

“I.. Commander. I want to know why. What happened up there that made you do this? You sided with Wrex, Mordin. Genocide was against your morale and rules and suddenly you throw all of them outta the window and sacrifice the Geth and Edi? For christ’s sake, you brought peace to the Geth and Quarians and then  _you_  decide they have to die? Who the hell gave  _you_ the right to make such a decision?!”

Joker vented and then groaned softly, rolling his eyes. The cap went off his head and he scrubbed his hair. He really wasn’t like his old self anymore.  ”Just.. forget what I just said.”

First he wanted to stand up and leave. Turn his back onto Joker, his friend and just get the hell out of there. Or talk him down, put him back into his place. But these were questions, accusations people would always ask. Or some. While he wouldn’t answer it to any reporter, this was Joker. Jase cared about him and if he could give him some kind of a small comfort by answering this, he knew he had to do it.

“I’ll tell you why, answer your question. Give me a second. Need another drink.” Or rather a whole bottle of something strong.

“Yeah, sure. I’ll just wait here. Not going anywhere.” Joker replied and was watching Shepard stalking off to the bar. His eyes scanned the room and not many people were present and once his gaze was back on Shepard, he saw he was still talking to the bartender. He briefly wondered how much it took Shepard to bribe the man into handing out that bottle, or how many credits where involved when the Commander came back with one that looked like Whiskey. No, it wasn’t Whiskey, Joker realized when he squinted at the label, it was Vodka.

“Vodka, Shepard?”

“Yeah, something else for a change. If the Russians were good with something, it’s Vodka. Too bad there aren’t many of them left either. Deathtoll’s been as high as everywhere.”

“Tell me about it. They really fucked us over good.” Joker nodded before emptying his glass, only to shove it over to Shepard, wanting some of that Vodka too.

“That they did,” Jase nodded while opening the bottle, pouring them each a little drink. Joker took his glass back and Jase raised his own, nodded once at the other man and downed it.

“Good one,” he grimaced as the liquid burt its way down his throat and he could feel the warmth of it starting to pool in his stomach. Jase poured himself another shot.

“You wanted to know why.” Jase folded his hands and was watching his fingers. “Truth is, I had no choice.” After a moment of silence Jase was a little surprised that Joker didn’t say anything and he continued.

“Well. I did have a choice, but the choice wasn’t available. Doesn’t make any sense when I say it like this, does it?” Jase looked at Joker.

“Being cryptic, Commander?” Joker retorted.

Jase got the hint and continued, “There was an AI. It’s been there for, hell, I don’t know for how long. But, it created the Reapers, turned against its creators. It presented me with options.” Jase grimaced. It sounded as if he’d lost his mind actually.

“Two of these genuisly thought out options involved me, dying. It said, I could controll the Reapers, but to control them, I need to ‘die’. It also said, I could add my  _essence_  to the Galaxy to have every single being, plant or AI or race, being turned into something alike. It called it Synthesis.”

Jase paused and drank the next shot and refilled his glass. Synthesis. What a load of crap. It didn’t make any sense to him at all how his very essence would turn the Galaxy into a Synthesis. But it did explain, somewhat, why Harbinger had been so possessed with him.

“Tell me Joker. If you’d have been in my shoes, what would you have done. Would you have believed this crap? Having your biggest enemy standing in front of you, luring him into some kind of shit and get him to die willingly?” Jase laughed and drank the next round. It would have been so easy for his nemesis, having him believe this and there he went, thinking he could save them all but who was to say it was the truth? AI’s would defend themselves, if threatened, just like every other being.

“I wouldn’t have believed this either. That sure smells like a big stinking trap.”

“Exactly,” Jase’s voice drawled, feeling the first effects from the Vodka. Just like he had wanted it. Made talking a lot easier.

“Would have been a victory for that AI. Anderson’s been dead already. Earth’s in a mess, fleets are fighting and taking heavy losses. And I die. No. Couldn’t have that. That thing warned me all synthetic life would be killed. God Jeff, I wasn’t thinking of Edi. That it meant.. she’d die too. Or the Geth. I’m having a whole shitload of synthetic stuff in my body too. I’m still here, alive. Why not Edi?”

Jase rubbed his face and took the bottle to get a fresh drink. By now Joker was watching his Commander and he knew what he saw. Guilt. Grief. Sorrow. Just like he himself, minor the guilt. Maybe a little guilt for feeling angry, now.

“I finished the job, destroyed that tube. I killed Edi. Murdered the Geth. And.. defeated the Reapers. I’m sorry, really am. For what’s worth it, if that means anything to you. I’m sorry. I can’t bring her back. If I could, I would do it. But death. It’s a final thing. It takes loved ones from us and we’re left behind. It changes us.”

There was a long stretch of silence and Jase felt tired now. He slumped down a little on his chair and read the label of the bottle over and over again. Joker’s voice caused him to look up. He was his friend, he liked to think they still were, not just his pilot, but a friend too.

“If you would have to decide again, would you do something different?”

“I don’t know. Could I have really controlled the Reapers by becoming one myself? Damned if I knew. But that Synthesis crap? I sure as hell think that’s been a real trap. It smelled, bad. I don’t know. But I know something for sure: not again, Jeff.”

“Yeah,” Joker nodded. He wouldn’t want to go through this again as well. “Thanks. For not ripping my head off at the stuff I hurled to you. My friend’s waiting, gonna limp back to him.”

“You’re my friend too, Jeff. I wouldn’t have ‘ripped your head off’. And your friend, he’s a good guy. Keep him. He’s… good.”

“Chris? He’s been helping me a lot. Grief stuff, you know. He lost his partner in the war and we kind of hit it off right away and we’ve been helping each other. All right, that sounds a little awkward now, but you know what I mean.”

There was a glint suddenly in Joker’s eyes that made Jase think. The wheels were turning now and he knew what it was. But Joker himself didn’t seem to realize it, yet. Or maybe he did?

“Is he… good for you?” Jase asked, feeling a little bit amused now.

“Like hell he is. Takes my mind off things, helps  me around, cares about me. He’s turned into a good friend.”

“And you for him, Jeff?”

“He laughs about my jokes, not everyone does you know. Like you, you never laughed.”

Jase knew he hardly had laughed out loud. But Joker had made him laugh, inwardly. Now, thinking back, maybe it’s been a mistake. Maybe, if he had, things could have been different.

“Sorry I never did. I laughed inwardly. You were always the funny sort. You were there to pick me up after I woke up in that Cerberus hell. That meant a lot to me.”

Joker gave him a funny face as the words sunk in. “Are you saying.. what I think you are saying?”

“Yes.”

“You never gave me any signs! I only wondered why you never brought home any of the ladies. They were flying after you!”

Jase snorted softly. Yeah. All those pesky females throwing themselves onto him and he had to tell them no, sorry, not interested.

“Are you saying that if I had given you any signs you would have been interested?”

“Yes, I think that’s what I’m saying. Doesn’t matter where you find love, right? It’s love. What about you, Commander. Would you’ve been interested?”

Jase didn’t need to think twice at all. “Yes.”

Joker stared at him for another moment. “Wow. Just wow. Wouldn’t have guessed that at all. But you see? That’s what hurts too. You push me and Edi together, then you take her away from me. I understand now why and I know I wouldn’t have chosen anything else. But… I could have had you, instead! Wouldn’t have hurt as much as it did with Edi.” Jeff paused, looking over to where Kaidan was sitting and talking with Chris. “Kaidan’s a lucky bastard. Just saying.”

“Maybe. I’m a lucky bastard, too. So. You and Chris?”

Joker sighed, thinking. “Just not yet. We both are still reeling from our losses. There’s a bond between us for sure.”

“You need time, I understand. Jeff, there’s one promise I can make. I won’t take him from you. Not again. Once is enough.”

“Yeah. Glad to hear it. But, you know. If it hadn’t been for Edi, I wouldn’t have met Chris. She’s not here anymore but there’s still some of kind of influence.. as if she’s here. She’d want me to be happy, right? She’d want this. I know she would.”

“She would, Jeff. She cared about you. She’d have died for you to make sure you’re safe.”

Jeff carefully stood up and nodded. “I’ll just be going. If you keep saying more stuff like this you make me all teary eyed and I can’t have that. Would ruin my reputation.”

“Stay in touch, Jeff.”

“I will. I really will, Commander. Thanks for.. this chat. It was enlightning in a few unexpected ways.”

“Call me Jase. We’re friends. No ranks anymore. Just friends.”

“Jase,” Jeff nodded. “Chris’ waiting, can’t stay away for too long.”

Jase smirked a little and nodded, watching him limp off to his friend. And maybe lover, one day. As soon as he had lost sight of them his face was becoming a mask again. Jase didn’t know what he was feeling now, it was more of an emptiness inside him, a sadness too. But at least he seemed to have helped Joker a little. It had been worth it.

But for himself? That needed to be seen.


	5. Shepard’s Memories – V. “What now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW - just to warn you ;)

### V. “What now?”

Kaidan had been watching Joker and Jase from afar. Occasionally he had glanced over trying to read their faces. He had liked to think by now he was good at reading Shepard’s face, but the man still surprised him from time to time. Just like now.

Joker had walked past him about ten minutes ago and since then Kaidan had watched his lover’s face. The transformation of it, going from something friendly, with a twinkle in his eyes, into a mask of stone, unreadable and barely any movement in it, was unsettling him. But Kaidan had waited, had wanted to see how he was doing,  _if_  he was changing his stonelike expression, or whatever else it had been he’d been hoping for.  By now he believed it had been more like wishful thinking of him, hoping to bring his friend some closure and for Jase, he had hoped he’d feel less burdened.

Kaidan sighed softly to himself. Since they had defeated the Reapers, since he had known Shepard was alive and kicking, since he’d seen him for the first time in the hospital, bruised and battered, hooked up to everything he knew and some  more he couldn’t name, since having witnessed the recovery and had come across the first bouts of anger and guilt, since then he had hoped to be able to help Jase come to terms with it. He had listened to the snarls, the accusations, then the quietness, had heard the glass crashing when Jase had hurled it against the wall in anger, saw the depressions in his eyes and felt the restlessness of his sleepless nights.

And Kaidan cared, had been here for him. It was so simple, being there. Giving a helping hand and a soothing presence, comforting him, rubbing his back to calm him down. When Jase allowed it  and hadn’t shrugged off the touch, snarling at Kaidan. And when this happened, Jase had apologized either right away, or later, after he had calmed down.

But this now? Stony expression, motionless, not even blinking often and just being so quiet and withdrawn, it made Kaidan question his own motives. Kaidan had wanted to see Jase a little bit happier again. Maybe like he’d been before invading the Cerberus base, or London. Perhaps he’d been too selfish, hoping to push the pilot and Jase together, get them to sort out their differences and coming to terms with the losses.  For Joker it had been Edi and Kaidan wondered quietly if he himself might be wrong with it, but by now it dawned on him that Jase seemed to grief for nearly every sentient being he’d sent to death. Not just Edi and the Geth. It was more like Edi and Legion and all those Geth without a name.

Never before had he even considered that someone might call Jase a mass murderer like Joker had done today. It had been like a stab into the back for Kaidan and he hadn’t even made the decision. Could he have done what Jase had done? After what he’d told him, the little Kaidan knew about it, he wasn’t sure what he would have done. But all of it made sense, the way Jase had explained it. There hadn’t been any other option apparently and not a single thought was wasted into thinking he’d made the wrong decision. And perhaps, Kaidan mused, if he’d been in Shepard’s shoes, he would have gone for the same in the end.

Kaidan sighed once more and scratched his neck. Jase still sat motionless and not once the blue eyes scanned the room, like he usually did. It was just their luck there were no reporters around. It was supposed to be their date, but somehow he had messed it up.

“Mmh,” Kaidan murmured walking over to Jase as he knew he had to save their evening now. Their date. And judging by the nearly empty bottle of hard liquor, he needed to do something about it, fast. Jase was hurting, and so was Kaidan when seeing the man he loved like this.

  


Jase eyes followed the bottle which was being picked up and he  listened as the liquor was poured into his own glass. Instead of receiving it the hand took it from its place, lifted it up and Jase’s eyes followed the movement, watching as Kaidan gulped it down, grimaced, shook his head and sighed when he placed the empty glass back down.

“How can you drink stuff like this? Never figured you were into Vodka.”

“You don’t know a lot about me, Kaidan,” Jase replied and knew right away it sounded wrong. So very wrong, as if Kaidan wasn’t allowed in his life. “Sorry. That’s… bullshit.” Jase paused a little, eyes back on the bottle. “Grew up around a few russians. No one really knows anything about me. Never saw a reason to tell anyone.”

“It’s in the past now, Jase. That’s the point. What about the present, would you tell me?” Kaidan eyed the man before he sat down. Maybe they’d stay a little longer.

Jase snorted and shook his head. “Now? No. Not here.” Who knew who would listen in on them.

“Does this mean you consider telling me more about yourself?” Kaidan asked, wondering why Jase refused to look at him. Instead he reached out to lay his hand over his lovers.

“Maybe. Kaidan, what was this about tonight? A date? And then Joker shows up?” Jase jerked his hand away. Okay so now he felt a little angry, unlike before when they’d been in the restroom, patching up his hand. The anger grew and he felt like smashing something all of the sudden but instead he focused on his breathing, closed his eyes and counted numbers to calm himself and keep his control.

“Well, I guess I messed this up a little bit. I was hoping the two of you would talk and…,”

“Kaidan. You did the right thing,” Jase interrupted him and now he looked at him. The blue eyes were piercing into Kaidan’s.

“I’m glad you think so.” Kaidan said softly, wondering what he saw in them now. It was a mix of something he had rarely seen before.

“I do. It helped Jeff.” Jase stated and slowly stood up and found himself unsteady. The chair was falling over like in slow motion, landing on the floor with a thud. “Damn. I’m kind of drunk.”

“Kind of?” Kaidan’s eyes twinkled a little as he stood up and picked up Shepard’s chair, placing it neatly back. Just then he noticed Jase had started walking off. “Hey, wait for me, will you?”

“What? Can’t hold up with me anymore? I got bad knees, not you.” Jase pointed out, grinning a little as he turned around to wait for Kaidan to catch up. On the spur of the moment he held out his hand for Kaidan to take it. He was glad Kaidan didn’t berate him for drinking Vodka, or being drunk.

Kaidan eyed the offered hand, finding it surprising. Usually they weren’t walking around hand in hand, but he took it nevertheless and didn’t complain. If Jase wanted it, he wasn’t going to mind.

“So, what now?” Jase asked him, glad for the steadiness the hand provided. Kaidan’s presence even offered security, he felt safe.

“What now? How about you tell me what you would like to do now?” Kaidan squeezed his hand, walking him out of the restaurant, past the other lonely guests and waitresses.

Jase was silent again until the door closed behind them and the cool air of the night hit his face.

“Sex.”

Kaidan blinked and then he smirked a little as he shook his head. “Sex? That’s what’s on your mind right now?” Somehow, Jase was really drunk when he talked like this.

“Yeah,” Jase replied simply and just by the way his hand twitched Kaidan knew Jase was really thinking about it. Anyone else wouldn’t have noticed. Besides, both men hadn’t been with each other since Kaidan had left a week ago. It felt like withdrawal and their hormones were running on a high.

“I think we should get you home then, Commander.” Kaidan replied a little amused, before Jase would tackle him and do inappropiate things with him in public. Kaidan knew Jase had a dirty mind, which sometimes came up with the most impossible things and places.

“Good thinking, Major.”

 

The door of their apartment had barely closed behind them when Jase yanked Kaidan around and pushed him onto the nearest wall, pinning him onto it. He grabbed the other man’s hands and shoved them up, holding them in place while wedging his knee between Kaidan’s legs.

“Hehe,” Kaidan chuckled, “who would have known a drunk Commander Shepard can be so demanding.”

Jase’s face came nose to nose with him, not even a finger could be fit between it and for a moment they were staring at each other.

“Like I said, you don’t know a lot about me,” Jase replied huskily, grinning now, feeling himself relax, forgetting. Kaidan was more important, what they were about to do was more important than anything else. No guilt, no deaths, nothing else but just them.

“Knowing you, I’m sure I’m about to find out now.” Kaidan whispered back and groaned suddenly when a tongue trailed along his jawline, towards the ear and on to neck.

There was a hump against his legs and Jase responded by humping back, rubbing himself on Kaidan’s leg as his tongue trailed back to Kaidan’s mouth, claiming it in a frenzy. Jase was pleased at how Kaidan kissed back and somehow he let go of the other man’s hands and got rid of his jacket. Wherever it landed, he couldn’t tell and where Kaidan’s ended up, he had no idea either.

Suddenly Kaidan took the lead, pushed Shepard off and jerked at his shirt, feeling Jase’s hands on his stomach doing the same. Undressing was the best part of the foreplay, aside of the kissing. They both grinned at each other and then the sound of belt buckles being opened could be heard, the hiss of the zippers moving and eventually their pants dropped to the floor with a soft thud, caused by the heavy belts.

“What do you want, Jase?” Kaidan asked quietly between the longer kisses, as always, dragging them towards their bed.

“Seeing you naked. Feeling you, sucking you, touching you, kissing you,” Jase inhaled Kaidan’s scent and groaned softly, “smelling you.”

“What else?” Kaidan pushed him gently down, needing to know.

“You know what,” Jase replied, hint of a little anger showing, but Kaidan knew it wasn’t meant like this. Jase wanted to get down to business and not talk.

“I want to hear it,” Kaidan whispered against Shepard’s chest as he leaned over him, kissing his nipples, teasing them with his tongue and light sucking before he moved on to the left side of the abs, using his slight stubble to scratch it across Jase’s sensitive skin. It had the desired effect, there was a soft groan, a buck of his hips and the hands were in his hair.

“Kaidan…,” Jase trailed off, closing his eyes, allowing himself to fall into the sensations he was experiencing. The sex with Kaidan was always special, more intense than anything else he had been exposed to before with the other lovers.

“I want to hear it,” Kaidan murmured between more kisses and finally moved his hand into Jase’s briefs, massaging the hard cock.

Jase groaned, feeling the hand on himself as the throbbing increased and sighed at the teasing, the slow moving up and down of Kaidan’s hand on his length, making Jase wanting to buck into the warm big hand. And yet it was so gentle, the way Kaidan’s hand closed around his cock, forgetting everything else for a moment.

“Jase?” Kaidan chuckled a little, still very much in control of himself, but apparently he had once again managed to make Jase forget about the here and now. Somehow he had a feeling what Jase wanted tonight. Sometimes he just needed to feel and experience a lot of feelings in the shortest amount of time. As if he was hungry for feeling alive, for feeling loved. As if he needed to reassure himself that there wasn’t any hate towards his person. Shepard’s hands closed around Kaidan’s, urging him on to speed up the movement and Kaidan knew if he allowed it, Jase would come and it would end way too soon.

“I think I heard the doorbell,” Kaidan said aloud and it worked. Jase’s eyes flew open and looked at him in surprise.

“What?!”

Kaidan chuckled and quickly withdrew his hands, taking off Shepard’s briefs and his own and was even more amused when Jase’s eyes locked onto the price that was just freed.

“I was just kidding, Jase.” Kaidan grinned and got rid of his socks and took Shepard’s off as well, tossing them into the room. They could clean up later. The hungry eyes followed every movement of his.

“Now, I want to know what you want.” Kaidan kind of ordered, raising his eyebrows a little when Jase sighed softly and closed his eyes.

It was funny in its own way. Usually Kaidan wasn’t into a lot of talking, too shy at times when it came to their needs and the words that came with it. But Shepard, needing to be coaxed to tell him what he wanted was kind of funny and weird at the same time. He never had thought that having sex, or making love rather, with the man would result in having to ask several times.

“Fuck me, Kaidan.”

There it was, the dirty word. And it turned Jase on even more, making him feel hornier and at the same time he could have sworn his face was getting a bit more red of embarrassment.

Kaidan’s biotics flared into life, it wasn’t the usual blue glow before the end of the war, now it was a bit more faint and yet it was still amazing to watch it. Jase’s eyes were on Kaidan’s face as he crawled up towards him, alignign their bodies and he hissed as the weight of Kaidan’s body pressed him down, moving with him in their own rhythm and Kaidan’s tongue was invading his mouth, dueling with his own. But not long and Kaidan moved again, withdrawing, getting back onto all four with a grin on his face and Jase returned it.

“Love you,” Jase said quietly, watching him move, pushing apart his legs and Jase lifted his butt, allowing Kaidan to place the cushion under him.

“I love you, too.” Jase heard Kaidan say as he closed his eyes, relaxing more, heard and felt the movement of his lover and the gentle touch along his cock and balls, fondling them, teasing them, felt him rubbing his inner tighs.

Jase shifted a little more, getting more comfortable and then there was the finger at his butt. The digit carefully pressed inside and Jase willed himself to relax more and did. When there were kisses being trailed along his stomach he groaned. Especially the sensation of Kaidan rubbing his five o’clock shadow along the skin of  his tighs, towards the groin.

Jase’s hands found Kaidan’s head and curled into the hair, rubbing it gently and one moment later he felt the tongue curling around his cock, licking it, teasing it and Jase hissed quietly. There was a low chuckle and the mouth engulfed him completely and he hardly noticed a second finger pressing into him, prepearing him.

“Kaidan…,” Jase groaned, feeling fuller now and he wondered for a second if there was already a third finger in him and he moved, pushing back onto it. The slight burn was not an uncomfortable feeling and the more he pushed and the more Kaidan shoved his fingers into him, fingerfucking him, the more Jase wanted and needed it.

“Kaidan, please do…,” he could never finish the sentence, because the mouth left his cock, the cool air hitting the hot wet skin, causing the nerves in it to run wild. And then there was the rustle of the sheets, the feel of Kaidan between his legs, adjusting both of them and Jase just let go, allowing Kaidan to take the lead completely, allowing him to make all those decisions instead of him and just be.

And Kaidan slowly pressed inside, feeling Jase’s hands running up and down his arms, eyes closed, head thrown back. Once both were comfortable and he started moving, Jase looked at him with those intense blueish eyes. The color had changed slightly and eventually his legs were wrapped around his behind, holding him close, moving with him.

The first slow movements increased eventually, soft gasps turning into groans with every motion, the tenderness being replaced with raw need eventually. And still their eyes were locked, both men panting softly, starting to sweat and Jase grabbed Kaidan and drew him down, ravaging his mouth. With every thrust of Kaidan’s he made a small sound while kissing until their movement grew frenzy and Jase reached down between their bodies, stroking himself in time to have them finishing their love making together.

Kaidan bucked and groaned as he had to break the kiss, placed his face close to Jase’s, both men hearing the panting of the other as they moved harder and faster, until they hissed and groaned and were gasping for breath.

Kaidan heared the wheezing sound of Jase and knew he still wasn’t fully back to his old self, if ever. But it didn’t matter as he kissed the bare shoulder and found the mouth, lazily kissing him in the afterglow of their orgasm.

They were sweaty and yucky and Kaidan ended the kiss eventually, looking down at his lover who had his eyes closed now, bathing in the afterglow.

“Jase?”

“Mmh?”

“We need to get cleaned up.”

“Mmh.”

Kaidan watched him and slowly withdrew, backing off and admired the view of Jase’s body. Yeah, definitely in an afterglow.

“Jase?” Kaidan tried again, having the feeling he had to clean both up of them now. There was no answer, just the subtle moving of his chest, going up and down and the even breathing, telling him what he already knew. Shepard was fast asleep.

Kaidan could only guess how much sleep the man had gotten in the past week and how often he had moved around in the apartment at night. There was soft and loving smile on Kaidan’s face as he bent down to kiss the stomach gently before he stood up for real and got both of them cleaned.

The blanket was quickly drawn up and he settled into his bed, geting comfortable in his bed and moved closer to Jase and kissed his face again.

“Love you Shepard. I’m glad you didn’t leave me behind and came back to me.” Kaidan told him as he turned onto his left side to lay his arm across Jase’s stomach, just to feel him. Kaidan yawned, feeling that gentle smile on his face again and rubbed his head before sleep quickly claimed him as well.


	6. Shepard’s Memories – VI. “It’s done.”

### VI. “It’s done.”

The rest of the week had been slowly passing by as it was filled with very few appointments. Most of them were for his knees and designed to help getting them better. Which was happening very slowly, causing Jase more than once to grimace at his own disability on not being able to become the man he had been before the end of the war. Yet there was also the question in his mind if he actually  _wanted_  to be the same person. Experiences change men. And the Reapers had changed him, in more than one way.

Upon asking and pestering the doctors about his knees – they still refused to tell Shepard if they would ever be the same again – Jase wasn’t sure if he cared about it. Right now, at this point, Jase couldn’t even say what  _he_  wanted to do with himself. Everyone was asking about his future, career, now that he was the saviour of the galaxy, the honored war hero. Jase remembered how he had called Garrus honored war hero, remembered the subtle jest in his own voice as he had been trying to hide his amusement. And now it was a label, once again pushed and plastered onto his own person, like those movie posters they had everywhere on the Citadel.

But what was the truth behind it? What was the reality? A label was just a label, it never told the full story and its ugly truth which came with having to make decisions, sacrificing parts of the hero’s own humanity.

Dignity, and more.

Javik had been right. The silence was the answer. And Shepard knew how much he hated it when other people were proving him wrong, instead of the other way around. He could go and push against it, deny it, smile and disagree, play it like an actor, but the ugly truth was, Javik had been right. And it hurt.

  


It was sunday afternoon and the weather outside was bad. Heavy rain was falling, darkening the sky and the afternoon light sparcely illuminated their apartment as if it was already in the late evening.

Kaidan walked around and turned on some lights. “You know what my mom always used to say? ‘Reading in poor light causes your eyes to go bad.’ At least it used to be like this. But now, thanks to our gen mods, we won’t have to worry about it.” Kaidan stopped, watching his partner who was sprawled on the couch.

“Cerberus forgot to add some flashlights to my eyes,” Jase tried to joke and wasn’t sure if he was successful or not. Probably not, judging by the silence coming from Kaidan.

Lying on the couch, Jase pretened to read more of his book, one of those he had with him on the Normandy. Those books who were fortunate enough to survive the war. And books reminded him also of Kasumi Goto. With a small grin Jase snorted softly.

“What’s the snort for?” Kaidan asked, suddenly sitting on the floor next to  the couch, face very close.

Jase slowly turned his head to look at him, into those brown warm eyes and saw his own reflection in them for a moment.  ”Kasumi, she loved books.  _Loves_  books,” he corrected.

“Mmh, too bad I never got to meet her for real and get to know her. But, I take your word for it. And I love books, too.” Kaidan smiled and leaned in close, resting their foreheads against each other.

“Kaidan?” Jase asked, thinking of something. Something important, suddenly.

“Shepard? Something on your mind?” Kaidan smiled with a soft sigh as he closed his eyes, enjoying the contact.

“We said we bury it. I wanted to let you know I’ve forgiven you, about Horizon. I understand it. The moment I saw you again in Vancouver, I forgave you.” The book closed with a soft thud and Jase blindly placed it onto the close by table before his hand moved to touch Kaidan’s face, watching him.

They could talk about this and say many more words, like admitting both of them had cared about the other already after Virmire. Or Kaidan telling him how painful it had been to lose Shepard, griefing for his Commander and friend. How painful it had been to see him alive again, the joy it caused and the anger, wanting to laugh and hit the other man at the same time.

But Cerberus, it had been too much. Only now Kaidan understood the complexity behind it and how they had used Shepard as a tool. Clearly to defeat the Collectors, at the time in humanity’s best interest, but in the long run, they were hoping for more.

And for Shepard, how he had been hoping the whole time to see Kaidan again, perhaps to receive a message.

Something.  _Anything_.

And how it had hurt when nothing had reached him. In the end, it was always Kaidan who had been on his mind. How he would watch his back, what he would say and comment, how he would fire his biotics.

“And then there was Mars,” Kaidan’s voice interrupted his thinking.

“Mars,” Jase thoughtfully repeated the word which held so many memories. So much had happened there. The sandstorm, Liara, the archive. Kaidan not really trusting him. James flying the shuttle. Dr. Eva. The Illusive Man. And he had nearly lost Kaidan to the darn robot.

“Let’s not talk about it anymore, okay? We’re past this, have been since some time. It doesn’t matter anymore,” Kaidan said, lips touching Shepard’s.

And Jase sighed, but wasn’t in the mood for more. Instead he was tired as reading the book had made him sleepy. Which was something new, too. Usually he could read for a long time, but apparently things had changed.

“Are you all right Jase?” Kaidan asked, worry coloring his voice.

“Just tired,” Jase shook his head. “Am I still the same person Kaidan? Am I still me?”

There wasn’t even the hint of silence, of having to consider his answer. “Yes. Of course you are,” Kaidan said right away. “Why wouldn’t you be?”

Jase grimaced a little and shrugged. “You know why.”

“Because people consider you a hero now?”  There was a rub on his forearm, a gesture Kaidan used to soothe his lover.

“Hero?” Jase snorted in disgust. “I’m no goddamn hero, Kaidan. I committed the crime of genocide. And had to kill more than 300.000 batarians. You can add them to the list as well.”

“Jase…,”

“What?! Don’t tell me I’m wrong…!”

Shepard was about to say more but Kaidan had heard enough. ”Shepard, enough of this! We’re alive and survived! We live in peace, and that’s thanks to you!”

“Kaidan! Stop telling me this, the goddamn cost is too high for this peace! Maybe I should have become a Reaper instead, or should have raped the galaxy with my dna, using the synthesis crap! Maybe I should have just shot the brat?!”

“And then what?” Kaidan asked, flabbergasted. He had hoped they were past this. Instead it was back. “There was no other option. And you went for the right decision.”

Jase sat up with a snort, rubbed his face and hung his head. “Whatever Kaidan,” he said in a quiet and  defeated voice, “It’s done. Legion trusted me. He was my friend.”

There was a stretch of silence as neither man said anything, until Shepard’s quiet voice could be heard again, “And I betrayed him.”

Just then their doorbell went.

 

 

Both men were suddenly drawn out of their musings, their thoughts and Kaidan’s possible answer was stuck in his mind. Instead he got up and simply told Shepard, “I’ll get it.”

And Shepard crit his teeth, narrowed his eyes and his forehead wrinkled a little in anger. Who was disturbing their weekend? A reporter again?

The silent question, just thought about mere seconds ago was  answered when Jase saw the blue skin flashing at the door, saw it hushing inside and Kaidan’s voice was…. Well. Jase didn’t know what it really was, there was some surprise, the idea of that maybe she’d leave was also in it, at least Jase thought so, and also there was the man’s hospitalibity showing. He was asking her if she wanted a coffee. And Shepard scowled, face darkening.

But when she rounded the corner the scowl was replaced by the mask of professionality and Jase stood up, with a smile on  his face, holding out his hand for her in greeting.

“Liara! Good to see you. How have you been?” Jase said, walking to her, closing the distance. And the good host he was able to play too, motioning for her to sit down. On his spot. The one he just had occupied  a minute ago, which was still warm. Part of him was glad the couch wouldn’t rat him out and tell her about his misery of thoughts. If anyone else knew, he’d feel ashamed as a hero wasn’t really allowed to fret about anything. It was a weakness.

“Thank you, Shepard,” Liara replied as she sat down. “I am well, as you can see. The network keeps me busy.

Shepard watched as she moved a little bit around on the spot Jase had sat on before, causing him to wonder if she was feeling the warmth. Maybe she even liked it? Jase winced inwardly, what a nasty thought to think of a friend like her.

“And that’s a good thing,” Jase mused. If the network was running and she was getting intel on the state of the galaxy, he figured it would be good.

“Of course. It has taken us a long time until we have established a reliable network again. Now that the Reapers are gone, I can direct my resources towards more beneficial projects,” Liara explained and noticed the hint of coffee flavour in the air. She didn’t comment on it though.

“Such as?” Jase asked, wondering what kind of beneficial projects she was talking about. Everyone was in need of something nowadays.

“Many known business companies have been eradicated. The most pressing matter obviously would be Sirta Foundation.”

“Medi-Gel,” Shepard interrupted her, thinking.

“Indeed. However, Sirta Foundation is not on my list. The Council is seeing to their needs already.”

“Something they’re doing right, at least.” Unlike ignoring his warnings and not listening to him. But the question was still in the air.  By now Shepard kind of figured she had something on her mind, something that involved  _him_  and that this was the reason why she had asked to meet with him two times already. And why she was here now, uninvited on a sunday afternoon.

“I agree. Shepard, I know your past and childhood. I have seen so many children on earth and I can only imagine how many children on Thessia, Surkesh or Palaven, to name a few, are without a mother.” Liara eyed him and added, “Or a father, or both parents. I was hoping I could ask you to patron a shelter. Adding your name to it. Perhaps you could visit, read them a story from a book. Or tell them to never give up hope, they could look up to you and…”

“Liara. Hold it,” Jase stared at her and Kaidan came from their kitchen, bringing over two steaming mugs of coffee. One for Liara, one for Jase; handing them each their cup before he left again to get his own mug filled with coffee, wondering what was going on.

And Liara was staring right back as she took the offered cup. This hadn’t been the reaction she had been hoping for.

Jase took a sip from the dark liquid and knew she was surprised. Truth be told, the tiredness he had felt earlier hadn’t vanished at all and he was miffed at Liara for invading their weekend, miffed she had come to see him despite having an appointment for tuesday. But who was he. He was being totally stupid, selfish and a complete jerk.

“If you believe this is a bad idea…,” she started but didn’t make it far.

“Liara, hold it. God damn it,” Jase sighed, shaking his head. That was not what he had wanted to say again. “I’m sorry. I like your idea.”

Jase held the mug with both hands, feeling the heat of the coffee and just then Kaidan came back, sitting down on the chair. And his lover wasn’t stupid, instead he was picking up on the mood change right away and he threw each of them a questioning look.

Liara ignored it, for Shepard’s sake. Or more for Kaidan’s.

And Jase ignored it too, not wanting to answer the unspoken question. Not at all. Instead the mask slipped away, making room for the tiredness he felt, the weariness and the weight that still laid on his shoulders. Only now it was called guilt. And the pressure of playing a war hero, answering questions, pretending to be happy, pretending to be someone he wasn’t. Or, answering to the Citadel and admiralty.

“You do? I..,” she replied surprised, but wasn’t able to finish her sentence – again. It baffled her. Usually Shepard always had listened quietly and offered advice. But him interrupting her like this was something new.

“Right now I’m not myself, Liara. I just. I don’t know.” Jase elaborated, hiding his expression behind the mug.

“I don’t understand. I believed you were doing fine.”

“What exactly do you know about me, Liara? After we ended the war,” Jase asked her, his eyes piercing into her nows, wondering just how much she actually knew about  him. Did she still have a crush on him? No, they were just friends. Good friends. He needed to stop thinking like this.

“My intel claims you are healthy, yet you are facing some, apparently minor, repercussions. Your knees need constant medical treatment, your lungs are not back yet to full capacity either. The doctors are considering implants but they do not fully understand the technique Cerberus has put into you. They fear if they tinker around with you, it might worsen your condition. There has been the rumour of consulting Miranda Lawson to help them with their questions.”

Once Liara was finished she sat back to become a little bit more comfortable and noticed, that Kaidan  was trying to cauge Shepard’s reaction as well. As much as herself.

Jase wasn’t sure if he liked the idea of his doctors contacting Miranda. As much as he had disliked her at the beginning, he held no grudge towards her anymore. Yet, the thought of fiddling around with the implants in his body, the thought of Cerberus alone, made him uncomfortable. It was a dark past of his, among other memories. It reminded him of dying, of coming back. Of learning that he really had been dead. He had died young, not even 30 years old at the time. Everything had been falling apart, according to his crew and friends.

What would this mean for him. More implants? What if they weren’t able to create them? Or what if his body just decided to get rid of all the metal he was carrying around, lodged and crafted into his muscles, bones and flesh. Like a long metallic needle being forcefully shoved into meat to grill it on the barbeque.

Shepard eyed them, saw their concern and their silent questions in their eyes. Perhaps he should have died. He had been dead before. Maybe he should have stayed dead in the first place. But Cerberus had brought him back and Liara had kind of stolen his body to give it to Cerberus.

Jase sighed and rubbed his head with the left hand, still holding the coffee in the other. What had they seen in him? It surely must have been more than Cerberus believing in him as an idol, a symbol. No, there had to have been more. They used him. Like a tool for their own agenda. Maybe he had been a test subject like Jack had been once. A test subject for modelling Kai Leng, among other things. Or The Illusive Man really believed bringing him back as partly synthetic would make him open for the suggestion to control the Reapers.

Jase snorted at the thought, remembering TIM on the Citadel. Delusional he had been, controlled by them. By the Reapers.

“Jase? You okay? You’ve gone very quiet.” Kaidan looked at him and their eyes met.

Jase nodded. There had been something he wanted to tell Liara, there had been a reason why he had asked her what she knew about him. But now it was gone from his mind. Another reason for having Cassy around. His memory was lousy right now.

“I’m fine. Hadn’t heard about the implants part yet.” Shepard fell silent then again and didn’t say anything else.

And suddenly Liara and Kaidan were talking, while Jase was mulling the idea over with the shelter. The thoughts were running deeper and deeper and eventually he didn’t notice Kaidan nor Liara anymore. The suggestion was compelling, providing him with the option to give something back. To give hope now without having to fight and kill, or having to carry a gun. Giving some children the option for a better life and future. Just like he had needed it years ago.

The voices of his lover and his friend suddenly penetrated his mind in a sharp way. Every spoken word hurt like a knife, cutting apart his thoughts, interrupting them. It felt like he was  half asleep and still thinking and the voices violently scattered his thoughts apart. Jase scowled at them for a moment and realized he was still tired. Extremely tired actually and he yawned. He downed the last part of his now luke warm coffee and placed the mug onto the table.

The voices cut into his thoughts again and he grimaced. But now he noticed Liara was gone from her spot on the couch, which allowed him to stretch out again. He was not a good host now, doing this. He knew it. But the tiredness won over being a host and now, truth be told, Jase just didn’t care. Right now he was doing what was right for him and not for the others. It was long past the time where people were asking him for help, Jase knew, now  _he_  was asking people to help him, in his very own way. And if it meant he was going to sleep when they had a visitor, so be it. They owned it to him.

Adjusting the cushion Jase curled up on his side, shoving his right hand under the cushion and moved a little bit more around, like a dog trying to get comfortable, closed his eyes and was out in seconds.

 

Liara just stared at the sleeping form on the couch when they came back from the short tour of the aparment. She looked at Kaidan and this time, she did ask the qestion with concern in her eyes and voice.

“Is he always like this now? He hasn’t gone worse, has he?”

Kaidan sighed, not really knowing how to say it or what exactly. After all he was glad to have Shepard back in his life and now for good. And he nodded. Yes, Shepard was like this now.

“He’s not sleeping well at night Liara. Sometimes he’s waking up from dreams, or nightmares. Sometimes he doesn’t seem to be able to stop thinking about what he could have done differently.”

Kaidan sighed, rubbing his forehead. “You know, usually he’s been the one driving forward, not really regretting his decisions. There’ve been times of course, like Virmire, when he regretted having to order Ashley to her death but he knew it had to be done. But now? Just look at him Liara, it’s like he isn’t even sure he’s done the right thing. As if he’s believing he has chosen the wrong path. The death of Edi and the Geth have hit him hard.” Kaidan concluded in a soft whisper.

“Kaidan,” Liara whispered back, “I am so very sorry. How are you really feeling about all of this? Is there someone who listens to your worries?”

“There is my mom, of course,” Kaidan answered quietly, eyes still on the sleeping form of Shepard. “There’s the crew of the Normandy, a few friends here and there. I mean, people care about us, or me, but everyone just keeps thinking we are happy now. What is it like to be the partner of the hero of the Galaxy? People have this picture of us and barely anyone sees behind the facade we  have to portray now. How am I feeling? Afraid, but I love him. I have lost him once and nearly twice and it’s the biggest present of the galaxy to have him here and back in my life. If it means it’ll be different, that he’ll be different, I’ll take it. For all I know he could be crippled and ugly and I’d still love him. I promised him to have his back and I’m not breaking my promise.” Kaidan sighed softly and looked at her with a small smile.

“You both really are very much in love with each other,” Liara said, smiling gently back and was amazed about how close the two men had grown to each other. She was glad to have them as friends.

“Liara, do you know what people think of him now? What are the Galaxy’s feelings towards Shepard?”

“The majority sees him as their hero. The human who saved their lives and gave them a future. A purpose to live. They know they owe him their lives and their children are allowed to grow up in peace. Even the few batarians left agree with this sentiment.”

Kaidan thoughtfully looked back at his lover, feeling relieved to hear this. How much of this was Liara’s doing as the Shadowbroker was another question, yet it was possible she had only collected these informations.

“That makes me feel a lot better, you know.” Kaidan nodded and suddenly nudged her with his elbow. “Hey, stay with us for dinner. He’s cooking tonight and we have enough food to share it with you.”

“Are you sure I won’t be invading your privacy?” Liara asked, clearly considering to agree. She had missed both of them, had missed the chats and she liked Kaidan too. And being around Shepard kind of set her mind at peace for the moment. It was good to see him up and about.

“I’m sure. You have never seen him cooking, have you. And he doesn’t just toss the food together like Vega did on the Normandy,” Kaidan grinned at the memory. “Shepard actually  _can_  cook. It’s got taste and flavour. And it smells delicious.”

Liara chuckled and hooked her arm into Kaidan’s. “Very well then Spectre Alenko. I shall stay for dinner. However, before we forget about it, I have the information you asked me for…,” Liara trailed off as the two friends went to the kitchen area to sit down there, quietly discussing their business while trying not to disturb Shepard’s rest.


	7. VII. “What was I thinking?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning.. second half is NSFW ;)

### VII. "What was I thinking?"

Eyes.

Everywhere.

Brown, green, grey, blue.

Eyes.

They were all on him. Had been there when he had gotten out of the car.

“The hero is here,” they would whisper. “Commander Shepard, have you seen him?”

The one reporter rushing after him towards the building, her eyes had a green olive like colour. A chirping voice, following him, calling out his rank and name. Asking questions. Questions he ignored.

“Has he lost weight?” People he didn’t look at, walking on.

Eyes straight ahead.  ”I thought he was taller, he’s always so big on the vids.”

“Have you seen the dark circles under his eyes?” Posture rigid and all business, striding forward.

“What a shame, the good looking ones are always gay.” Looking at his destination. Soon he’d be there. Soon.

“The poor man, he’s still limping.” A door  _they_  couldn’t enter.

“Heard he’s together with that other Spectre. Alenko?” A building which was only for Alliance personal. The door, the sanctuary opened, letting him inside. Curt nods and salutes just for him.

“There’s been rumours of him going back to active duty.” Another place like many others though, with more people looking at him.

“I heard he was going to quit.” Watching him as he walked down the corridor towards the office.

The eyes. The whispers. The questions. The assumptions and rumours. The answer people were waiting for.

What was their hero doing now?

And everyone seemed to know something he obviously didn’t. The game they all played. Hide and Seek.

Jase knew he wasn’t going to give an interview to someone like Allers. The pesky woman was not on his list. If it had been Emily Wong, he would have reconsidered. Yet something told him he needed a reporter he could trust. Someone who would be his voice. But the words reporter and trust in one sentence were absurd though. And yet he felt he needed someone. Someone.

 

Jase resisted the urge to drum his fingers nervously on the armrest of the chair he occupied, ignoring the other people in the room. Which were just two, right now. The secretary and the security guard. And neither of the two were watching him.

Shepard wasn’t a threat, everyone knew this, and people relaxed around him. As if they were trusting him he still would save their asses. Would he? If someone came storming in here, taking Hackett’s secretary as a  hostage would he go and rescue her? Like hell he would and Jase knew this. Luckily none of this happened. The only thing Jase felt threatened by was the voice of the Admiral. It was getting louder, he was talking with someone, walking the other male out. Coming to get him, for their own chat.

Shepard had never been afraid of Hackett. He respected him, considered him an important ally, someone who had been there to back him up, together with Anderson. And yet, Jase knew how much he had hoped for Anderson to survive, to be there in Hackett’s place. But it hadn’t happened. Better not to think of Anderson right now though. This wasn’t the time for grief.

Jase carefully fingered some unseen dirt out of his right eye, causing it to water. Damn it, he had rubbed too much. The voices came closer and the guard moved, snapping even more to attention and Jase stood up, saluting the Admiral as soon as he saw him, just out of habit. Time to face the music.

Hackett approached him with a small smile and held out his hand to greet Jase. “Commander.”

The handshake was firm and Jase felt the clap on his back. There was a smile creeping along his face, the kind which was hard to hold back. “Admiral,” Jase said in greeting and followed the other man into his office.

The room was flooded with light, barely furnished. The windows were huge, giving way for the view over the city. There was a single tall tree outside which caught his attention, it produced a sparce shadow which fell into the room. Jase’s eyes focused back inside, checking over the room and came to rest on the wall. A simple grey, as usual.

Admiral Hackett motioned for him to sit down in a single chair, which stood in front of the Admiral’s desk. It looked lonely, Jase mused.

The Admiral pushed past his own chair, towards a cabinet and retrieved two glasses and a bottle of brandy. Jase raised his eyebrows every so slightly and watched Hackett pour two drinks, pushing one glass over to Jase.

“To Anderson. And those we lost,” Hackett said and downed his drink.

Jase mimicked it and grimaced slightly when the liquid burned down his throat. “Keelah Se’lai.”

The sound of the glasses being placed down onto the desk echoed in the room, breaking the silence.

“Well, nice.” Jase said, inclining his head slightly, eyes darting from side to side, bringing across his point.

“Could be worse Commander. We could be sitting in the streets on rubble.” Hackett then smiled a little bit.

“Yeah. True.” Jase crossed his legs and folded his hands over them.

“This is were we’re at now, Commander. With thanks to you.” Hackett said and picked up the close by datapad, starting to scroll through it and reading a few bits here and there.

“Mh. Thank you, sir.” Jase replied, watching the pad for a second before he looked elsewhere, like out of the huge window.

The sky was blue with barely any clouds. The longer he looked at it the more drawn Jase felt to it. Peaceful, so peaceful. And quiet. The world was turning and moving on every day, no matter if there was a raging war or peace. Nature had seen so many cruel things over thousand of years. People coming and going, endlessly. Growing out of nothing to become just ashes again and disappear.

Dirt. Earth. What they were made of. Was there ever an end to the Universe or was it endless?

Blue. A blue sky. Just like his eyes, the same blue color.

“Commander? Shepard?” Hackett asked, watching him now.

“Sir?” Jase coughed a little. “Sorry.”

“How are you doing, son?” Hackett watched him and put aside the datapad.

“Fine, thank you sir.” The right thumb was already busily scratching away on the left thumb.

Hackett sighed a little and stood up. Jase heard the scrape of the chair against the concrete, heard the footsteps as he watched the Admiral going to the window, looking outside.

Hackett crossed his arms, scratching his chin in thought. “Beautiful day, isn’t it?”

“Yeah. A little cool though,” Jase said, watching the man’s back.

“That is London Shepard. More rain than sunshine.”

“Yeah, I guess.” Jase nodded, he wouldn’t know. By now his knee was bouncing up and down. Maybe he should take a tour through London, go sightseeing. He nearly laughed out loud. What sights? More rubble?

“I have read the report from Dr. Michaels. ”

Jase didn’t know what to say to this, he just shrugged a little and kept watching the Admiral’s back.

“Commander, how are you really feeling? A report is a report, I want to hear it from you directly. I have always trusted your word.”  Hackett turned away from the window and faced him.

The difference between the sky and the Admiral’s uniform were a stark contrast. Their eyes locked and Jase found he couldn’t lie, even if he wanted to. It was as if Hackett was seeing right through him and inside. The words didn’t come first, stuck, like a fleeing moment on his lips. Said but unsaid.

Hackett nodded and said down, folded his hands and was watching Shepard for a while in silence.

“Not good. Sir,” Jase forced out, finding it hard to admit it to someone else than Kaidan. And especially hard to admit it to the Admiral.

“I see,” the Admiral replied and was quiet for a while, pondering his next words. “Shepard. Jase. Look around you. There is life in this galaxy, a future for all of us. We’re rebuilding everything. We did it, with thanks to you.”

“Yes sir.” Jase nodded, looking down.

“How are your knees, son?”

The bouncing stopped right away and Shepard looked at him. “Painful. Have had worse though, sir.”

“How are your lungs?”

Jase sighed, it was obvious the Admiral knew but still asked him about it. “Out of breath very fast. I’m working on it Admiral.”

Hackett was scrolling through a datapad again and nodded. “Your doctors recommend giving you more time to recuperate. It’s hereby granted.”

Jase didn’t know if he should feel offended or say thank you. He opted for the latter. “Thanks, sir.”

“Two more things Shepard. How’s your relationship with Major Alenko working out?”

“Uh, fine sir.” Jase was baffled.

Hackett’s face showed a quick smile but it disappeared soon.

“I have an offer for you Commander.” Hackett shoved another datapad towards Jase. “Take it with you son, read it and discuss it with your partner. Contact me within a week with your decision.”

“Yes sir.” Jase eyed him and the datapad, a bit unsure of what he’d find on it.

“That’s all for now.” The Admiral stood up and Jase followed him with a quick salute. “Yes sir.”

Hackett chuckled softly. “Commander, if anyone needs to salute it should be me. What you did out there, no one has done this before.” Hackett walked around the desk and took Jase’s hand, shaking it. “Piece yourself back together, the Alliance still needs you. You’re the best we have Shepard. Whatever you decide,” Hackett motioned towards the datapad, “you have all the time you need.”

“Thank you sir.” Jase looked at the datapad in his hands and stored it away. What would he find on it?

 

“You survived the trip,” Kaidan said, wearing a gentle smirk on his face, knitting those brows together in jest when Shepard walked into their apartment.

“I survived a lot,” Jase replied and got rid of his leather jacket. The datapad cluttered to the the floor and he winced at the sound as it pierced the peacefulness with its sharp noise. He had forgotten about it. “Damn,” he muttered, baffled about himself. It wasn’t like him at all, forgetting something important like this. “Damn it.” Jase said again, placing the jacket onto its hook.

Kaidan walked over, bent down and picked it up. “There. I drop things nearly daily. At least it wasn’t a cup of hot coffee,” he grinned at him a little, hoping to lighten the mood with the half obvious lie.

“Thanks,” Jase grunted out, eyes darting left and right, unsure of where to look before he took the item from Kaidan’s hands. Slowly he looked at him, for a second thinking Kaidan would ask about the pad. But those eyes were mesmerizing.

Coffee. Hot. That sounded good, but not on the floor. It meant cleaning, something he wasn’t very fond of. Coffee and brown eyes was more of his likes, Jase thought, as he kept staring into Kaidan’s eyes. Like he had done on the old Normandy. When he walked up to him, asking him for his input and all he could think about was ‘Hot!’ and those eyes. Had Kaidan never noticed why he wanted to hear his thoughts? Just to watch the lips when he spoke with that soft voice, making him wonder what the man would sound like in bed, how those eyes would roll back when they made love, when he made him come and scream and grunt and more…

“Jase? Alenko to Shepard, do you copy?”

A hand waved in front of him, gently, touching his face as if to check if he was running a fever.

“I’m fine.” Jase muttered, he wasn’t that ill. Not anymore.

“You just spaced out on me, didn’t you.” Kaidan said softly, hand reaching behind Shepard’s neck, drawing him closer.

“I hate that word, spaced.” Jase protested quietly. Getting spaced was no fun at all. Silence, peace, after terrible pain, fear and. Jase blinked, he had lost Kaidan that day and Kaidan had lost him. Two years. A long time. Something he didn’t really like to remember.

“I’m sorry,” Kaidan told him and got their forheads to rest on each other, looking into his lover’s eyes.

“It’s alright,” Jase whispered, eyes fixated on those brown eyes. Which were full of love for him, promising even more.

“You keep saying that to others. What about yourself?” Kaidan inquired, lips gently touching Jase’s for a quick teasing kiss.

“Guess it’s alright, too.” Jase shrugged, still holding the datapad in his right hand. It was getting into their way now and he let it slip onto the nearest table.

Kaidan sighed softly and kissed him again, Jase returning it. Soft, warm lips touched tenderly, nothing urgent and demanding yet. Just simple and pure  love.

“What about yourself?” Kaidan repeated the question, having Shepard where he wanted him. Relaxed and safe.

“I’ll be fine. In time.” Jase nodded a little, eyes closed now, focusing on the feel the nerves in his lips were producing and the sensation of Kaidan’s breath on them.

“Will you?” Kaidan drew him closer, locked his arms around the man’s waist and slipped his hands into the back of Jase’s pants. Skin. Warm and soft, but definitely belonging to a male as his fingertips moved across the hairy skin.

“Yeah. I won’t let it break me. I won’t let it,” Jase groaned a little, but the answer was spoken with determination. He wouldn’t let it break him. He had fought Akuze. He’d win this fight, too. Kaidan was pushing all the right buttons with his fingers moving across his butt and he swallowed. “You talk too  much.”

“Really? I do?” Kaidan asked amused, feeling the gentle hump coming from Shepard’s hips.

“Yeah,” Jase breathed out, blood pooling and hammering away somewhere else now. Lower. Pants getting tight.

Kaidan kissed him again, with tongue and everything and Jase eagerly went with it. The feel of the kiss was sending him into a sensory overload, causing his skin to tingle, eyes nearly rolling back, knees going weak. Kaidan, the only person in the whole Galaxy who was able to do this to him. Jase had to break the kiss, gasping for air.

“Sorry,” Kaidan apologized, slowly dragging them to their bed.

“Don’t be,” Jase whispered, following him half blind, eyes only on Kaidan’s face . Trusting him, Kaidan could lead this. Jase didn’t have to. “I love you, Kaidan.” Shepard said, shivering a little as his shirt was lifted over his head, feeling sensitive to the cool air.

“I love you, too.” Kaidan replied before his tongue trailed along the chest, from one nipple to the next, teasing it, licking it, sucking it, smiling at the whispered ‘Oh god!’ coming from his lover.

Jase suddenly took over, pushing Kaidan’s shirt out of the way and the man onto their bed. The belt was fumbled open in a frenzy, zipper pulled down and then Kaidan lifted his butt, allowing Jase to pull down the pants, including the .. boxer shorts? Jase snorted, giving him a grin before his eyes focused on what he wanted to  get at. Kaidan’s delicious cock. Straining and filled, long and hard and oh so perfect.

The knees protested slightly as Jase crawled onto all four, leaned down, took a lick before taking him into his mouth, loving him.

It was about another form of trust. Trusting the person you loved not to hurt you, be it teeth scraping too much or biting the organ. As powerful as it could be, as vulnerable and sensitive it was as well.

He hadn’t lied when he had told Hackett he was working on his lungs, he just hadn’t told him  _how_. It was nearly as good as running – for now.

Jase blinked, feeling the hands in his hair, urging him on. The soft sounds and whimpers coming from Kaidan, including the even harder penis and sped up motion of rocking his hips into his mouth told Jase what he needed to know.

Kaidan was close.

And then he suddenly stilled, keeping his head gently but firmly in place and Jase felt the seed hitting the back of his throat and he swallowed. Swallowed again, and again. And coughed. Pulled off his lover’s most treasured piece and pressed his head into the blanket, wheezing and coughing.

It took Kaidan a bit to realize what was going on. Coming down from his personal high, something so good and hear his lover hacking up a lung was not the way he had wanted this to go. Kaidan rubbed his back several times, but when the coughing didn’t stop he got off the bed and reached for the inhaler. It probably had been too much for Shepard on this day and he berated himself. ”What was I thinking? I’m sorry Shepard. Here.”

Jase felt the dreaded item pressed into his right hand and he shook his head. No. He hated that thing. It was a weakness, reminding him too much of his body’s current state.

Kaidan sighed and rolled his eyes, rubbing his lover’s back once again. “Jase, use it. Now,” Kaidan commanded as the wheezing got worse.

Jase could deny it all he wanted, the ugly truth was he had to make use of it. If he could, he would have heaved a heavy sigh. Instead, he took it and inhaled it.

Ugly. Kaidan’s taste getting mixed with that thing’s taste. Kaidan’s feel on his lips getting replaced with the ugly and cold feeling of  _that thing_.

But it helped. As always – it helped.

Face still pressed into the blanket, Jase’s eyes began to water. And more. Turning into soft sobs and more fierce ones. He hated crying, hated it when men did it, but they were human beings too. With many feelings inside, sometimes unable to voice them.

When Kaidan had managed to get him into his arms, Jase didn’t know. But it felt good. Warm, safe and securely being held by him and being rocked like a small child. Face buried into his lover’s shoulder Jase cried for a while, until he stopped, feeling like a complete fool. Maybe this was part of healing, maybe it was right, maybe it just had been too much. Edi, Joker, Legion, the war, having to deal with a body that still had to heal and to top it off, a mind, too. But he wasn’t alone anymore. Kaidan, he was at his side, accepting him the way he was, no questions asked. And it was good. The best that had ever happened in his life: Kaidan.

“Can you take a few days off? Go with me someplace, away from this city?” Jase whispered, already licking Kaidan’s skin again. He just couldn’t help himself.

“I can check. Let me see if I can convince them. Maybe after this upcoming job I can leave.”

“Right. Forgot about that. You’re leaving tomorrow. A week?” Jase’s voice suddenly sounded muffled and sleepy and he yawned a bit.

Kaidan chuckled softly. “Hey. How about you get a nap and I make us some eggs? Something I can’t burn.”

“I can cook,” Jase protested, but felt incredibly sleepy. Damn these meds and that inhaler.

“Shepard, let me do this for you. You can cook all you want, but another time.” Kaidan slowly got him off himself and helped him laying down.

“Yes mom,” Jase sighed while cuddling into the blanket, rest of his clothes completely forgotten. “Just napping, ma’am,” he teased him as he closed his eyes.

Kaidan snorted with a smile and gave Jase a loving kiss. The man was already asleep. Starting tomorrow he was going to be away for nearly a week. Something Kaidan didn’t like doing at all, leaving his lover alone and by himself.

“I promise, I’ll take you somewhere, where we can just be ourselves.  We’ll relax, watch some old vids, dance a bit, maybe we go for a swim…,” Kaidan trailed off, caressing his lover gently before he kissed his hair and left. Fixing a few eggs for a quick and simple dinner sounded easy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, I had planned something else for this chapter. While the beginning is what I had in mind, the end isn't. (Surprise!) These two really have a life of their own. It's like they are insisting on making up on lost time. 
> 
> I hope the next update will be there faster, but I can't promise it though.  
> However, what I can promise is: I **will** finish it. I don't like it when stories get never finished.


	8. VIII. "Helpless. Helpless."

“Fuck.”

A boxer short suddenly sailed down from the lamp hanging in their bedroom, landing on Shepard’s head. He closed his eyes as the item fell onto his hair and he snatched it off, formed it into a ball just to toss it across the room.

“Fuck!” Jase said again while running a hand through his too long hair to push it out of his eyes. The mess in front of him was staring accusingly back. It only had taken Shepard about five minutes to create this. And now he shook his head at himself, at this mess and at his own anger which was gone now.

“I need a haircut,” Shepard muttered, turned around and left the room including its mess.

Shepard silently slipped into his shoes, took his jackett and out he was, leaving behind the current evidence of what he had done. Luckily Kaidan wasn’t at home and unable to see this. Or witnessing it.

The sun was beating down on the street and the soft but warm breeze ruffled through his hair as he exited the appartment house. Shepard inhaled deeply and let out a deep breath. Somewhere close by were plants growing, the scent of them couldn’t be mistaken for anything else. Eyes moving towards the known rubble across the street Jase saw it had finally been cleared and whisked away. The house next to the now gone rubble was being rebuilt. It didn’t neccesarily remind anyone anymore of having been destroyed once. Forcing his gaze away and towards more complete things, Jase began walking down the street. Dodging a few people and here there he strode on, past the now very few cars which were sitting around idly. As if no one needed them anymore.

Fingering the zipper of his jackett nervously, Jase looked around, trying to see if anyone was following him.  No one looked suspicious, everything was fine.

“Relax,” he muttered to himself, repeating what Kaidan so often had told him.

There was a barber somewhere in this street. The first weekend after they had moved in, Kaidan had taken him for a walk and the pair had walked past the shop. He just had to find the place. The few plants and small trees who had survived the war looked forlorn, even sad, in their big and clunky pots. Jase studied them carefully as he walked past, they clearly were in the need of water. Not that he blamed people not watering them as there were more important things to work on. Such as the city’s infrastructure, schools, houses, hospitals, …

_BAM!_

Jase jumped and darted off into the nearest side street, getting into cover behind the closest corner. The training had kicked in and Shepard slowly peered out from it, trying to figure out what was going on and from where it had come from.

“Ricky!” A woman scolded somewhere further down the street, “How often do I have to tell you to NOT kick the door close? It closes on its own.”

Jase’s eyes fixated on a boy, maybe ten, shuffling around nervously with a battered backpack sitting on the ground next to him. “I’m sorry mommy.”

“As you should be, young man,” the blonde woman nodded and took her son by his hand. “We only have this one car, Ricky.”

There was something unspoken in the sentence. Jase sensed it as he was watching them walking down the street. Maybe she had lost her husband and the car had been his. Shepard let out a breath he been holding and leaned back onto the wall to close his eyes for a second. “Damn it,” he muttered, shaking his head about himself. He’d gotten spooked by a car door being thrown shut. Jase shook his head again as he rubbed his eyes, unable to believe it.

“You’re a fool, Shepard,” he said to himself and pushed off the wall to walk down the main street once again. Two steps and he noted his right knee was burning now, causing him to fall into the all too familiar but annoying limp.

The needed hair cut won over the knee though. He was Commander Shepard and he wouldn’t give in to a god damn limp.

The barber, it should be somewhere. At least his eyesight was still top, he thought, as the blue eyes scanned the houses ahead and there, there it was.

Jase grinned a little as he neared the shop, glad to get rid of the long bangs and have it replaced with a real haircut. Not the old military style, but something decent looking.

The door slid open and he entered the sparcely decorated shop. The paint seemed to be fresh, the furniture looked like it had been brought together from different places. But the shop itself was neat and tidy. It smelled after soap, something warm and there was a hint of perfume in the air. Which most likely the two female hairdressers working here were responsible for. Who weren’t busy at all.

“Good day to the ladies,” Shepard said, grinning at each of them, letting his charm take over. Sometimes he just loved playing with the female population. And it worked again. Their eyes lit up and both were trying to woo him already by doing those little gestures. Righting their clothes, checking the hair, one was playing with her clurls innocently (Jase mused the thoughts she was thinking weren’t so innocent at all), while the second one was walking over to him, taking Shepard to the next free place. Or not. Rather to the place which was a bit hidden away. Jase raised an eyebrow at this but complied willingly. He was getting something simple like a hair cut and intended to enjoy it.

 

‘So,’ Jase thought as Dr. Michaels shook his hand and said her good bye to him, until next week. Jase let the door close behind him, hearing that familiar woosh.

‘Well, another appointment done,’ Shepard mused and nodded at the secretary before walking down the hall, feeling glad he could finally leave the building. Dr. Michaels was a pleasant elderly woman who knew and lived for her work. Shepard liked her, but as it was with every other appointment lately, he was seeing a Doctor. And seeing a Doctor meant facing his own inabilities which he sometimes just wanted to forget about and move on. But it just wasn’t  _that_  easy.

The way home was uneventful as usual. The house was silent as well and as he took the stairs up to Kaidan’s and his apartment and all of it was the same – silent, for a split second Jase missed the action. No running, no tactics needed, no yells, no orders, no shuttle, no gunfire, no Reapers in the air, no brute, no husk nor marauder around. Peace, instead. He still had to get used to this. Somehow.

The little action he got at home was when he finally shaved off that awful beard. The bedroom was still a mess though. With a sigh Shepard pushed away some clothes and sat down on the bed. Just to run his hand through the shorter hair and marveling at the feel of it. It felt great. It even smelled good. 

'The ladies have done a good job' he thought, remembering the visit. One had even shared a cup of coffee with him after the hair dresser, who was cutting his hair, had finally realized just who they had sitting in their shop.

“Oh my god! You  **are**  Commander Shepard!” She had squeaked.

Then the other one’s face lit up and from there it went. Celebrity status, famous, beloved and worshipped by many. A real hero. And then there was the coffee. Black and sweet, no milk.  It smelled delicious and Shepard had inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. Which had caused the ladies nearly to squee in delight. Jase thanked them both and drank it. Couldn’t be choosy because there was no milk in it.

Before the hair was being dried she had given his scalp an extra careful massage. Must have been some extra service, Jase figured. And after more praises coming from them the questions really started.

What had it been like? How are the other worlds doing? Is it really as bad as they say it is? What was it like to serve with a turian and all those other aliens on the ship? The AI, was it a friend? Is the other human Spectre really your boyfriend? Are you really gay?

Shepard laughed softly, removed his shirt and tossed it towards the hamper in the bedroom. Yes, he had said and they had looked disappointed at first. But then they had smiled, sat down and then Shepard had answered all their questions. It had felt so natural with them. Down to earth, simple people, simple needs.

Jase picked up a fresh shirt and put it on. With a soft grunt he stood up and inspected the mess.

Shorts, briefs, boxer shorts, shirts, socks, pants, belts – in short their whole wardrobe was lying around in their bedroom. He sighed deeply and shrugged. The anger had hit him quick and fast, with a fierce and destroying something had felt good. However, a small voice in his mind had told him not to do it, items were hard to replace right now. Instead he went, opened the drawers and threw out any single piece of clothing he could find. Strewing it around, tossing it up into the air and about. Chests and drawers were empty, bedroom filled. A mess.

“I have to get a punchbag,” Jase muttered to himself and began sorting out the mess.

Half an hour later he realized just how tidious this was. A footlocker filled with items was cleaned up and easier stored away than the clothes he and Kaidan owned. While Kaidan claimed to like living lean, he did too, yet each of them were owning several pairs of pants, shirts, socks, among the underwear.

Jase pushed the last drawer close, socks and underwear were done, belts back on their place. T-Shirts folded, shirts were hung up again and the pants joined them.

_Beep Beep Beep_

Jase turned around and walked over to their terminal. He knew right away who it was.

“Hey Kaidan,” he answered it, smiling as the picture of his lover appeared on the screen.

“Hey Shepard,” Kaidan sighed out, looking anywhere but him.

“Uh-oh. I don’t like that sigh. What’s wrong?” Jase asked and sat down, folding his hands.

Another sigh followed, long and sad. Kaidan rubbed his forehead gently and closed his eyes for a little while, not saying anything.

“Kaidan,” Jase urged him gently, “whatever it is, tell me.”

“I’ve got bad news,” Kaidan answered softly and still didn’t really look at him.

“Okay. No vacation, no problem,” Jase told him. Yet Kaidan’s face didn’t change.

“It’s not about the vacation Jase. I received a call today. It was from my mom.” Kaidan told him and suddenly he was blinking and looked away.

“But she’s fine, isn’t she?” There was a subtle nod coming from Kaidan and Shepard probed gently, “So…?”

“They found dad.” Kaidan hid his face for a few seconds and then sniffed a little, sighing again. “Or what’s left of him.”

Now Jase was quiet. He never really knew what to say in such situations. Or what to feel. Aside of the obvious answers he usually gave.

“I’m sorry. Kaidan, I’m really sorry,” Jase said and scratched his neck.

“Thanks. It’s just so final now, you know?”

“Yeah. Where are you right now?”

“I’m uh.. on the Citadel. Why are you asking?”

“I’m coming up to you,” Jase said and stood up.

“You don’t have to. I’ll be coming home in two days.” Kaidan answered, watching his lover moving around in their apartment.

“I want to,” came the reply a bit further away, “you need me.”

“It’s the Citadel. It’s  … ah… damaged.”

“I know,” Jase replied a bit louder for Kaidan to hear him. He knew that much.

“There are… well. A lot of people are gone.” Kaidan explained softly.

“I know,” Jase sighed. It nearly sounded as if Kaidan didn’t want him to come. “Kaidan. I’m still coming to you, like it or not.”

“Okay. I.. uh.. could you pack some extra clothes? The funeral is this weekend.”

Jase stopped, laid the pants he was holding in his hand down and walked back to the terminal. “That’s the reason for your mother’s call. The funeral.”

“Yes.” Kaidan simply said and finally looked at him for real with sad and tired eyes.

“Send me your address. I’ll be there as soon as I can. With extra clothes for the funeral. For both of us.”

“Jase you don’t have to,” Kaidan objected again.

“Like hell I have to,” Jase paused and then he sighed. “Kaidan. You and me, we’re an item. I’ll be there for you.”

Silence followed, not uncomfortable, yet something unspoken passed once again between the two men and Kaidan nodded a little.

“Okay. Well, sure, if you want to come. I’ll send you the address and … Thanks Shepard. It means a lot to me,” Kaidan said and was about to shut down the transmission, yet he quickly changed his mind. “By the way, your new look. It suits you.”

“Thanks Kaidan. Glad you like it. Now, hang in there, alright. I’ll be there soon.” Jase nodded and saw Kaidan smiling a tiny bit. Good.

“I ah.. will hang in here,” there came a soft chuckle and Shepard felt somewhat satisfied with himself. They both nodded at each other and then the terminal went blank. With a soft sigh Jase scratched his neck in thought. Alright, clothes.

“Shouldn’t have cleaned up,” he snorted softly at himself, went and retrieved a suitcase and began packing.

Jase was wondering what it was like to lose a parent. It must be hurting bad. But what was it like? As an orphan himself, he should know. Yet, he didn’t. What he understood was the kind of void he always felt, the pang of regret seeing others with their parents while he himself had been alone. No one there to help, to guide, to teach and to comfort. Anderson had been something like a father to him.

Jase dropped the shirt he just wanted to lay into the case and raised his eyebrows. “Admiral David Anderson…,” he said softly.

“David.”

His death hurt and caused an ache which ripped deeply into his very being. A feeling he couldn’t even really explain. Jase picked up the shirt, folded it once again and laid it to the other clothes. If that feeling was already hurting so much, how much more would it hurt for a beloved parent?

“A lot more,” Jase whispered to himself. “Hell of a lot more.”

Suitcase packed, closed and waiting at the door, Jase went to the terminal and called Cassy. ‘Bless the woman,’ he thought when she answered right away.

“Cassy. Sorry for doing this to you, I need a transport to the Citadel.” Jase typed away on his omni-tool, forwarding her the address Kaidan had sent him. “To this address. As soon as possible. Please.” Jase looked at her with something like pleading in his eyes.

“I.. Oh. Of course, sir,” Cassy frowned, the wheels already seemed to be turning in her head. “Commander? Please give me a few minutes, I will get back to you shortly.”

“Thank you Cassy,” Shepard replied and saw her smiling swiftly before the connection was cut. Now he had to wait. And to trust her.

 

The Citadel. Once the center of galactical commerce, government and law. Aesthetic in build, rich of life and races, having been home to millions of people.

The Citadel. Where the Council used to discuss important politics, were the ambassadors had their offices and Spectres were, well, something like crowned. It had felt important. It had been important. All those years ago.

The Citadel. Where Avina had given helpful guidance to visitors and those visiting for the first time.

Nearly all of the docking bays were gone or heavily damaged. And heavily damaged was most of the Citadel as well. Where once tall and proud buildings had been ruins were left. Gaping holes were painfully visible in the arms of the Citadel. One end had been broken off, seemingly drifting next to its arm.

And yet ships were coming and going, obviously. For what, he didn’t know. Maybe sending repair teams, supplies, whatever. A keeper walked by behind him as Jase was watching the few ships and he turned around, looking at it. At least they had survived and were helping to rebuild what was left of the once proud Citadel.

Jase pushed away from the  railing he had been leaning onto. It was bordering the area where the shuttle had landed just a few minutes before. The shuttle had left already, probably picking up other people and there was just emptiness left. Here in this.. docking bay. Barely a soul to be seen. Just the keeper and him.

For a moment Shepard felt dizzy, remembering the times when he had come to the Citadel. When it had been packed with refugees and survivors. With people standing in lines, waiting or discussing their worries, lives. Or making calls. Or those people who had come to the Citadel to help. Like Kelly Chambers.

Where were all these people?

Shepard scratched his neck, frowning. Something like a headache was forming behind his eyes. Where were they all now?

There was an empty chair, having fallen over onto its side and Jase went to it, picked it up and placed it down correctly. A turned over table was there too and he did the same with it. From there he followed the trail of tossed around items, picking them up, setting them down correctly, leaving behind a trail of something which could pass for normality. Something the Citadel once had been. Filled with people of many races.

 

“Hey Shepard,” came the well known voice from behind, just as he was setting up another table.

Jase quickly turned around and brushed his hands off his pants. “Hey Kaidan,” he just said and went to his lover. After a quick moment of looking into each other’s eyes they embraced.

“I’m sorry,” Jase said again, rubbing his back gently.

“I know, thanks for coming,” Kaidan said softly and placed a peck onto his man’s cheek.

The hint of a smirk hadn’t gone unnoticed by Kaidan and he took his hand, figuring Shepard might need it as much as he did. “Let me bring you to where I stay. Do me a favour and don’t look too closely. Please.”

Jase shrugged a little and motioned around. “Not hard to miss  _this_.”

Kaidan sighed and nodded. “Shepard, I don’t want you to get worse.” The ‘again’ was left unspoken and Jase looked at him.

“You’re worried about me.”

“Always have been. Now let’s go, okay? My car is waiting over there. And at least I can drive better than you.”

Jase chuckled softly, “Woah, don’t insult my driving skills.”

“Mmh. I’ve heard enough about your driving skills from Liara.” Kaidan nudged him a little.

“Did you,” Jase grinned a bit. “She just can’t tell apart the good skills from the bad.”

Kaidan had the hint of a smile on his face, but ignored the pun towards Liara. “Where’s the suitcase?” Kaidan asked, looking around.

“Back there,” Jase pointed at it, glancing past Kaidan.

“You just can’t stop doing it, can you,” Kaidan smiled a little, looking at all the chairs and tables which had been set right.

“No. Never could. You know that. There’s something that needs fixing. I fix it.” Jase shrugged and shoved his hands into his pant pockets.

“Yeah, and that’s why I love you too, Shepard. We should leave, get you settled.” Kaidan walked, half jogged to retrieve the suitcase. “Follow me, Jase.”

“Sure,” Jase nodded. “I’ll follow  _you_.” There was a grin on his face. Following Kaidan was different, but nice too.

Shepard sniffed a little as he was watching his lover’s butt in front of him, buttocks flexing  _left right left right_ , matching the walking rhythm. “Nice view,” Jase said, half grinning to himself.

“Well, we’re in one of the cleaned up areas. Mostly cleaned up though, as you could see by the chairs and tables you picked up.”

“Uh-huh.” Shepard’s eyes travelled up to the hips and waist, towards the lower back and further up to the broad shoulders. Then there was the familiar neck with its dark hair.

“You weren’t talking about the Citadel, were you.” Kaidan asked, something like amusement coloring his voice.

“Nope.”

“Good, looks like my plan worked.” Kaidan answered, looking straight ahead, trying hard not to snicker.

“What?”

“You aren’t the only one who can do tricks like this, Shepard,” Kaidan chuckled softly.

“Apparently,” Jase answered as they were reaching the car and he shook his head a little.

 

As soon as the door was closed Kaidan turned around and embraced Shepard. A soft sigh espaced his lips as Jase laid his arms around him, just holding him close.

“How are you doing.” Jase asked softly, nuzzling his cheek lovingly, without adding any urgency.

“I don’t know. I mean, I’ve known this day would come. I hoped one day we’d know what happened to him.” Kaidan sighed.

“It’s not what you were hoping for.” Shepard answered in a whisper.

“No, it’s not what I was hoping for. I was hoping for him to be alive. Somehow,” Kaidan inhaled softly. “That something like a miracle would have happened to him. Maybe he’d be alive. Somewhere.”

Jase didn’t answer, just kept rubbing his back gently, letting him talk.

“That day in Vancouver, when I saw you again after all that time. It was a good day.”

“Was it?”

“Yes, it was. It was a good day. Until the Reapers attacked. And then I was focused on reaching the Normandy with James, knowing you were trying to reach us, too. But the city I grew up in, it was being bombarded. Within minutes the Reapers killed so many, destroyed everything so fast. I felt…, helpless.”

“Helpless.” Jase replied, knowing many had felt that way, including himself.

“Helpless. Yes. I knew my parents were out there, fearing for their lives and their son. I won’t forget that day Shepard.”

“I don’t think anyone of those who witnessed anything like this will. It doesn’t matter where, or what.” Jase spoke softly.

Kaidan sighed quietly again. “Yeah. I won’t forget it either, I know I won’t.”

Kaidan knew he could feel even glad they had found something from his father and had id’ed him eventually. He didn’t want to know what they had found nor what it had looked like.

“Are you still.. thinking of Akuze after all these years?”

Jase pondered this question for a few seconds. “Yeah. I do.”

“How long has it been now, eight, nine years?”

“Nine, nearly ten years Kaidan. That’s something you don’t forget either, but learn to live with. I remember them, honor their memory and try to be, do, better.”

“Well,” Kaidan now began rubbing Shepard’s back gently, “you do and did better. If you hadn’t survived Akuze, who would have united the races, rescued and freed the galaxy from the Reapers?”

“Conrad Verner,” Jase replied dryly.

Kaidan chuckled at this. “Right. I heard about that story, you shooting his foot on Illium.”

“Hey, that shot barely grazed his foot. First an autograph then a bullet.” Jase’s eyes twinkled, holding back a grin. ”So, this is your place on the Citadel,” Shepard changed the subject and wondered why Kaidan preferred to stay here all alone instead of taking a shuttle and coming back home every evening. Maybe the shuttle was the problem.

“Yeah, it’s small, but offers everything I need. Come on, I’ve got some food in the fridge.” Kaidan motioned for him and Shepard followed willingly. They could talk more later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all who have left kudos :). Was a pleasant surprise!


	9. Merchandise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow. I can finally update this. I started writing the chapter last year in November. Cold hit. Another cold hit. I found a game to play and there is still Reunited. Buuut, here it is.

“Synthesis, control, or destruction,” Shepard whispered, staring at the tubes. Death, death and death. ‘Why me?’ was one of the questions which shot through his head.

“I’m proud of you, son,” he heard Anderson’s voice and Shepard shook his head, trying to clear it.

“You must decide.” A voice told him. Somewhere, whispering in a strange distorted voice.

“Control is the means of survival.” Shepard turned around and the Illusive Man was there, standing right next to him. The face of the man had disturbingly changed.

“We destroy them or they destroy us.” Anderson’s voice came out of the nowhere.

“Shepard-Commander, does this unit have a soul?” Shepard turned around once again, Legion stepped out of the red tube and began walking towards him.

“Diversity, Shepard.” Mordin said, standing at his left side. “Had to be me, someone else might have gotten it wrong.”

“You must decide.”

“Control,” TIM said, moving closer.

“Destroy,” Anderson told him. “Consider this an order, Shepard.”

“That was a joke,” Edi said from behind. Shepard twirled around, looking at her with a question on his lips. ‘A joke?’

“Choose!” The Citadel’s AI said.

“Destroy!”

“Control!”

“I want to be alive, Shepard.”

“Had to be me.”

Shepard backed off further and further away, wishing he could make all these voices stop, telling him what to do. Hands pressed down onto his ears he wanted to yell STOP, but his voice wasn’t working. No sound came over his lips.

“Shepard! Catch!” Came the order from his old mentor, as Anderson tossed him a gun. “You know what to do! It’s the right choice, son.” With ease Shepard caught the gun.

No pain, no bloodloss, no broken armour, Shepard turned around, reloaded the gun and fired at the tube.

“I understand.”

“Shepard-Commander, we understand.”

“No! I told you control is the means of survival! You cost me too much Shepard!”

“You did good son, I’m proud of you.”

A rumble began, turning into an explosion and Shepard turned away from the tube, wanting to outrun it, felt the heat engulfing him from behind. The force of the explosions propelled him forward. Another rumble started and Shepard felt the floor giving out under his feet. For a split second he wondered where he would fall to as the floor took him down into Citadel.

 

“Hello my dear.”

“Mom? Is that you? Where am I?” Jase said softly, slowly waking up and feeling incredible comfortable where he was.

It was so peaceful here, back at home in his bed. A warmth and calmness spread through his body as he fully woke up in his bed a moment later. Yet the woman he called mom was nowhere to be seen. With a yawn Jase turned around and cuddled back into his bed, ready to fall asleep again.

“Go back to sleep. Everything is alright. It will be fine. You’re safe.”

“I’m so tired, mom. So tired,” Shepard mumbled, pressing his face further into his cushion and with a sigh, he began drifting off.

“It will be alright,” she whispered again and Shepard felt incredibly loved. Safe, at peace. The fear of any dangers were forgotten and the taciturnity was unlike anything he had ever experienced before. “Sleep.”

But.

No.

Something was off, even wrong. This wasn’t his bed, this wasn’t his home and he wasn’t even here. He was on the Citadel!

 

Jase’s eyes flew open and he gasped in a ragged breath. For a moment he felt like waking up under that rubble again, feeling like having been crushed and waking up from being dead. Quickly sitting up in his bed, Jase drew in more and more air while hearing the sound of his obvious wheezing lungs.

“Hey, hey. Easy Jase, easy,” Kaidan said as he fully woke up. He rolled over into Shepard’s side and gently began rubbing his back. “Inhaler?”

Jase shook his head no, he wouldn’t need it. Didn’t want to use it and somehow, he had to get his body to understand it doesn’t need it either. It never worked like this though.

“You’re all sweaty,” Kaidan stated, leaving out the reason. “Jase, take the inhaler.”

Another shake of his head was the only answer as he was heaving bouts of air into his lung.

Kaidan had enough though, he moved around and stood up to stalk over to the chest and grabbed the inhaler. The strong hands took Jase’s and Kaidan placed it into his and forced him to keep it. “Take it,” he ordered and quickly added, “That’s an order.”

With a barely notable nod Jase took it and used it once. Once. Now he just needed to wait for it to work. The voice in his head pleaded with his body that it was enough.

Kaidan sat down next to him and was watching him before looking out of their window. The day cycle had just begun, bathing the Citadel into its daylight, giving away the damage and destruction, but also the parts which were being rebuilt.

“Well,” Kaidan began and just fell silent again when he noticed the wheezing stopped. He could ask what the dream had been about. He could ask if lately they had been as bad as this one, or if it just had started again. Kaidan considered asking Jase if his being here on the Citadel was causing it. Or if the upcoming funeral on the next day was the reason. Maybe there was no reason at all and it just had happened like this.

But his worry never stopped. Not for one second. As long as the war was over now, every day and hour he kept worrying about his lover. Shepard. The hero, the man he loved with everything he had. The man who had been taken away from him before and the man who had changed through out the past months. Years, even. Afraid of something happening again which would take him away once more, but forever instead. Like his dad had been taken away from his mom and himself now.

Kaidan sighed softly and looked a little bit surprised when an arm was around his shoulders and a soft kiss was placed against his temple. He looked at the man next to him and there was a smile on his face. The gentle one, with the blue sparkling eyes, telling Kaidan it was alright. But now it also meant Shepard was alright and that they were alright too. It was amazing how many unspoken words could pass between himself and Shepard, in this brief moment. How both of them were able to express their thoughts without actually saying aloud, ‘I’m here for you, I’ve got your back.’

Kaidan smiled, sighed softly again and leaned forward, giving Jase a kiss on the lips. “How about we save some water and shower together?” Kaidan asked softly.

“Alright,” came the simple reply from Shepard and Kaidan nodded and stood up.

There was a grin on Shepard’s face and a twinkle in his eyes that told Kaidan it wouldn’t be just a shower.

 

Rain.

There was something special about it and the sound it made, Jase thought, as he was listening to the rain beating heavily against the windows. It was about the only noise in the room as he stood silenty at the window, trying to see past the heavy downpoor. The drumming coming from the raindrops reminded him of the day he had set foot into Liara’s apartment. Vasir had been standing behind him and had followed every step he had taken as he had searched his old friend’s apartment. The mood had been solemn. For a moment he had believed Liara had died. Yet she didn’t.

Liara had been lucky. Not as lucky as Kaidan’s dad. Jase’s eyes looked up at the dark grey sky. It was weeping with Kaidan and his mother and so many other unlucky souls.

It had been two days since the funeral. And Kaidan was still quiet. Still quiet, however, were the wrong words.

Jase fingered his right eye, scratching it gently in thought. He couldn’t blame the man. He was his father’s son and Kaidan had lost a parent. While the war was raging there had been no time for him to grief. Now Kaidan had time and the ugly truth of carrying the father to the grave had hit home.

Jase didn’t know what to expect, nor what to do. It was rare for Shepard to feel lost and not really know what to do. A part of him wondered why, he had lost his parents early on too. Perhaps this was the reason though, it had been too early and had happened too long ago.

Turning slightly, Jase peered at the man sleeping on their bed. The beautiful brown eyes were still closed, the hair a bit messy too. There were dark circles under his eyes from the exhausting tears.  At least they had dried. For now.

Kaidan had apologized time over time again for being a crying mess. A man didn’t cry. Jase snorted at this thought and rested his forehead against the window, peering outside once again. A man doesn’t cry. Such a lie. It was an awful noise, indeed, but wrong to suppress. Even Shepard cried, even the hero. And Jase had told Kaidan that it was alright.

For a moment Jase thought he had seen a woman dashing across the street. Squinting through the heavy rain he tried to see if his eyes had just deceived him or not. But there was nothing on the street. A memory flashed up in front of his eyes, reminding Shepard of the time when he had stood at the window and was trying to see if a woman looked like his long lost mother.

 

_Sometimes he stood at the window watching the busy street and the many people passing by. He often had searched their faces, having the vain hope of seeing his mother’s face again. In time, he found it harder and harder to remember her. Did this woman look like her, or this one? Maybe this one? Who had she been? What had she been like? Had she been smart? Tall and slim? Or a little on the short side and maybe more cuddly?_

_And one day, while watching the streets, he realized his parents were really dead. The nurse hadn’t lied._

_The glass of the window fogged up from his breath and Jase used his sleeve to wipe it off, clearing it so he could see the street below again. He had overheard the women from this shelter talking, they said a couple would come and pick_ _up_ _the Shepard kid. They had spoken in hushed voices, but it had been clear they weren’t really fond of him. Called him a brat, even spoiled. A troublemaker. One of the women said she hoped he wouldn’t come back. Otherwise they had no idea anymore what to do with him. The other woman replied that maybe it would have been better, for a child like him, to have died with the parents._

_“Jase? It’s time.” A voice came from behind, calling him._

_The street below was still busy and his hands left the window. He took the jacket and backpack from his bed and walked to her. Another home to try, another couple. He had lost track of how many homes he had by now. Too many._

_“This is your last chance. Don’t mess it up young man. You’re ten years old and smarter than this. Understood?” She berated him._

_“Yes, ma’am.” Jase nodded. “Last chance, got it.”_

_‘Whatever. Maybe they’re better. I’ll try, mom. I promise.’_

 

Jase snorted softly to himself. Yeah, the nurse hadn’t lied. It had been his last chance and then the Shepard kid had ended up on the street. The nurse. Hospitals and nurses meant bad business. A mission gone wrong, people hurt or worse, dead. And most of the time it meant his life had changed.

 

_The first thing he remembered now, after all those year, was being frightened. Sirens were blaring around him and he was stuck in a car. It laid upside down and he could barely make out the figures of his parents. Fires were crackling around them and the smoke filled his lungs, setting off hurtful rounds of coughs. He wanted to scream for his mommy, but only coughing came out. Eyes burning, he clutched the little stuffed animal to his chest, burying his face into it. The coughing wouldn’t stop. It didn’t take long and everything he knew was darkness._

 

Jase rubbed his chest, he could swear he was going to cough any second.  Remembering it was one thing, but it was his past, his life. It was part of him, always and everywhere. It’s what made Jase  _Jase_. Shepard leaned forward, watching the rain some more while the rest of the memory resurfaced.  


_“What’s your name?” The nurse asked, trying to get the four year old to say something. But he was just watching her for minutes. The stuffed animal was gone and the room he was in had lackluster paint on the walls. It looked as lost as he felt._

_“What’s your name, do you remember it?” she asked again, using a more gentle voice. Jase sat up, pulled up his legs and wrapped his arms around his knees to rest his face on them._

_“Jase Shepard,” the boy answered with a tiny voice._

_“Is that.. written with ‘Ch’ or ‘J’, or are you even called Jason?”_

_He tried to remember, his parents always had called him Jase, had made jokes of calling him ‘chasing Jase’. As a four year old he didn’t know how it would be written, or how his parents thought it should have been written. And why would they want to know anyway? Security and soldiers were friends and to be trusted. If he needed help, he could ask those people, they would know. That’s what his parents had told him. And his parents were always right. They were bright people, had been living on a spaceship before. Eventually he just shrugged._

_“Jase. Where’s mommy?”_

_“I’m sorry honey. Your mommy won’t come.”_

_“Why? Why doesn’t she want to come, have I been bad?” And where was his stuffed animal? Had he lost it? Instead he reached around and took the pillow as best as he could, hugging it to his chest._

_“Jase, honey, your mommy and daddy had an accident. They have gone to the heavens.”_

_Jase looked at her, it didn’t make sense. Why would they go to live on a spaceship again and leave him here?_

_“They’re on a spaceship and forgot to take me with them?” he asked hopeful. If so, they’d come and get him._

_“No. It means they. They died.”_

_He was watching her, his blue eyes were piercing into hers, trying to understand what she just said._

_“They won’t come and get me?”_

_“No honey. I’m sorry.”_

 

The blinding flash and the following thunder interrupted the silence in the room and shook Jase out of his memory. Jase rubbed his jaw and knew he had locked it tight, too tight. A bit tighter and he would have been able to dislocate a jawbone. Then he sniffled. The memory had made him teary eyed and Shepard rubbed his eyes.

“Damn,” he muttered to himself and turned away from the window. He was stuck in his own past and knew it. Rubbing his left hand over his face Jase decided to go and shave. The beard was more than three days old by now and he really needed to get back to his old self.

“Humph,” he just said and left the room.

The house smelled after… something. Maybe cooking water. It smelled after being clean but homey. There was also the scent of something else in the air Jase couldn’t pin down. Definitely not gun smoke and dead or hurt people. Definitely not the scent of a battle field at all. If anything, Jase would think it was Mrs. Alenko. A mother’s scent.

 

“Hey. There you are,” Kaidan greeted him as soon as he entered their bedroom and Kaidan’s mother turned around to face her son’s special friend.

“I have just suggested to Kaidan to come downstairs for some tea and crackers,” Mrs. Alenko said to Jase.

And Jase felt dumb, just staring at her for a second and tried hard not to blink at all. She was just another ordinary woman and yet she wasn’t. She was Kaidan’s mom and a special mom at that.

“Thank you Mrs. Alenko, I’d love to  have some tea and crackers with you,” Jase told her politly, inwardly cringing at the thought of having tea. What was it with people and drinking tea. A weird fascination, even obsession, to drink hot water with herbs. The same could be said about coffee too, he mused.

“Wonderful, then I will see you both downstairs in a few minutes, yes?” Mrs. Alenko seemed to beam and Jase figured it was weird.

“Sure mom, it won’t take us long. We’ll be downstairs in a few minutes.” Kaidan said and resisted the urge to hug his mother. The brown eyes followed her as she walked past Jase.

Jase noticed Mrs. Alenko’s smile was directed at him and he returned it. Once the door was closed Jase focused back on Kaidan and walked over to him.

“How you holding up today. Any better?” Jase asked as he sat down and began rubbing his knee without realizing it.

“Seriously, what kind of question is this Jase. It’s just been a few days that we buried my father. Are you expecting me to be over it already?”

“I never said this,” came the prompt reply. The hint of a frown was on Shepard’s face. What the hell was suddenly going on.

“But you implied it,” Kaidan retorted with some anger in  his voice.

“I didn’t. Didn’t even think it,” Jase answered, feeling a bit confused.

“You did,” Kaidan said again, this time he began to glow.

“Kaidan watch the biotics,” Jase eyed him and the faint glow. Usually it meant fun in bed, or Kaidan taking out baddies. It did, before he met the Reaper AI on the Citadel. However in this situation, Kaidan glowing faintly blue meant trouble. And not for enemies. This time it was for Shepard himself.

“Or what? Are you going to order me to stand down? I’m not taking any orders from you anymore, you know.”

Jase stared at him. The words, ‘Damn right I am,’ died on his lips. What Kaidan said, just mere seconds ago, had really hit home.

“Jase, I’m sorry,” Kaidan began.

“Kaidan, go down to your mother, join her for tea,” Jase cut him off and looked away from his lover, towards the door.

“Jase. I’m sorry about what I just said.”

“Go, Kaidan,” Jase said and suddenly he remembered Virmire, as he was staring across the building towards the peaceful ocean, listening to the radio in his ear, Kaidan’s and Ash’s voice in it. Decision between life and death. One of them was going to die. And it was up to him who wasn’t going home today.

“Shepard? Hey, don’t space out on me Jase,” Kaidan’s fingers snapped in front of his face.

“I’m fine,” Jase retorted and stood up. “Go down to your mom, I’ll follow in a few minutes. Gotta take a leak first before drinking tea. Or I’ll have to take the stairs back upstairs,” Jase grumbled softly, leaving out the ‘with these knees.’ Never before had he considered just how painful walking stairs could be. Was only worse for someone like Joker. He left the room, hearing Kaidan’s answer but not the words.

 

The urge to hit the mirror in the bathroom was intense. Destroy the face looking at him, quelling the anger he felt bubbling up inside his chest. Gritting his teeth at his reflection was all Jase did. It wasn’t his home. He had no right to destroy anything willingly. Especially not after this war and a house which was still mostly intact.

The knees were hurting, especially the right one. “Blame the goddamn weather,” Jase muttered and popped a painkiller. Either endure the knees and their burning pain, or deal with the side effect of becoming somewhat tired from the painkiller. The second was definitely the lesser evil, Jase thought and decided to face the tea drinking game. Shooting bottles with Garrus on the Citadel had been more entertaining than drinking boring tea. What would he give to have his friend here right now.

“Oh, there you are honey,” Mrs. Alenko said and Jase at first had to process that it was him she was talking to and not her son. “Here sit down I’ve got your tea. You can put up your knee on this chair, if it’s still bothering you so much.”

“Uh, thank you, Mrs. Alenko.” Jase said with a smile and sank down into the couch. Not sitting down onto it, no,  _into_  it. It was so soft and comforting he knew he’d have trouble to get up from it later. Carefully he laid the leg onto the offered chair and grimaced slightly while getting more comfortable. The cup of tea found its way into his hands and Shepard smiled at Kaidan’s mom again. Then he carefully took a sip and closed his eyes, hoping to hide the expression on his face which would give away his dislike of tea. Silently he wondered if there wasn’t a potted plant around he could water it with.

“Delicious,” Jase commented and drank half of the hot tea. Better get over with it fast and forget the smell and taste.

“Honey I can give you a bag of it,” Mrs. Alenko replied and Jase wanted to scream, ‘No, thanks!’

“Uh mom, thanks, but I got our supply of tea covered at home. I’m sure you need more of it than we do, though.” Kaidan replied.

Jase peered over the edge of the cup towards his lover and studied the eyes. Wise words.

“Thanks. Kaidan’s right though. We’re having a good supply line and everything’s been covered for us.” Jase explained and carefully placed the cup on the small table to his right. Kaidan’s mom was a nice woman though, Jase mused. The motherly type. Why weren’t there any siblings around? Now she was all alone and by herself, missing her husband terribly.

Would his own mother have mourned the loss of his father? Would his father have mourned his mother’s passing? Had he himself mourned his parents, after all? Four years old, still half a baby he had been. And Ashley’s mom? Jase couldn’t even remember if her father had still been alive when she had died. Had Jeff mourned Hilary’d death and his own father’s death? Or all those people he had overheard on the Citadel, the father trying to find his son, the old woman trying to find her son too. The teenager waiting for her family. Single faces blending together, becoming the blur of the masses. The mass of people who were murdered by the Reapers one by one, day by day. The countless bodies everywhere, piled up, rotting away, forgotten. Who was remembering them?

“I want to get us a dog,” Jase blurted out, rubbing his forehead. The eyes looked slightly wet, as if he wanted to shed a tear or two.

“Uh, what?” Kaidan looked at him, baffled and exchanged a glance then with his mother. “Why would you want a dog Jase?”

Silence followed, then a sigh.

“Had one as a teen. It saved my life, made sure I got out of the gang alright. I want another one. I got some time now.”

Kaidan sat up straighter, trying to figure this out. “What about Admiral Hackett’s offer to become a teacher for the N7 recruits?”

“First they need to pass the N1 training.”

“Well, you know what I mean. I thought you were going to take it? That you and I would teach there together?”

“But Kaidan, this is wonderful news, why haven’t you told me about it?” Mrs. Alenko said surprised.

Jase looked at Kaidan, Kaidan at him then at his mother and Jase’s eyes followed.

“Because we haven’t decided yet what to do. Jase already asked for more time to consider it, but …”

“I haven’t decided yet, alright? I don’t know what I want to do. Continue being a soldier, correction, half crippled soldier,” Jase said dryly, “just give up on everything. Get a ship and retire somewhere else with a big bar and lots of alcohol. What?” Jase watched them. “Everyone sees me as their goddamn hero I’m not. I’m just.. human, alright? At least a dog would follow my orders!”

Kaidan’s and Shepard’s eyes were locked and Kaidan knew what this was for.

“Ouch,” he said eventually, “I deserved that, didn’t I. I’m sorry mom, we kind of had a disagreement and I guess it just snuck up on us here.”

“I’m sorry too,” Jase just said, unable to say more and explain the reason behind it. Words just couldn’t express any of his thoughts and feelings right now.

“Well honey, I don’t know why you two were arguing, but I accept your apology. However, this is my house and the past weeks and months have been hard enough. I appreciate it if both of you would behave like adults now.”

Kaidan wanted to say ‘ouch’ again. “Uh, yes mom. Of course.”

“Sure,” was all that Shepard said and rubbed the cloth of the couch. It felt soft, but somewhat rough to him. Not as cold as any metal, like the desk on the Normandy. It always had felt cold and hard. Jase yawned and cursed the painkiller right away. But it wasn’t just the painkiller which caused this tiredness, it was the sudden realization that Shepard didn’t know what to do with his own future.

Everything he had worked for, the goal to climb the ladder, making Admiral one day. Suddenly he felt so far away from it. Coming from the dirt of the streets, his old home, pulling himself together and hitting the books, working his ass off to get through the first two years in the Alliance. The ultimate goal was far away now. Despite any hero status.

The sudden question which popped up in his mind was, would people still want to follow his lead, his orders? Would they trust him? Would Shepard himself be able to trust his insticts, his knowledge, his experience? And he knew the answer, Jase realized. Right now he didn’t trust himself. Right now he second guessed every decision, starting from when to brush his teeth to if it was alright to cross the street at this very moment.

But Jase needed to do something. And if not soon, he knew, he’d go crazy with cabin fever and worse. Sitting around at home and looking out of the window wasn’t his future. Consuming a lot of alcohol and watching boring vids all day long weren’t on his fun-things-to-do list either. While he might not be able to lead people, make hard decisions at the N7 Academy, he could at least do something and train them. It would be a start and allowed him to go from there. See where it will lead him. And maybe, one day when Miranda had fixed his lungs and seen to the knees, maybe he could snatch a Command from somewhere, get another ship and fix things in the Galaxy. Just like old times.

Jase grinned to himself. It would be far off in the future, he knew, but the thought itself filled him with hope.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Kaidan’s voice came from the left and the couch dipped as the other man sat down next to Shepard.

“Just thinking,” Jase replied and looked at his lover. The normal Kaidan was back.

“I can tell. There’s a lot of smoke coming from your head. Listen Shepard, about earlier.. I’m,”

“It’s alright,” Jase interrupted him. “I didn’t mean to insult you. Look, I don’t remember a lot about when my parents died. It’s too long ago. What I remember is, it takes years to come to terms with it. It’s a wound which never fully heals. I’m really no good at this,” Jase sighed and laid his arm around Kaidan’s shoulder, drawing him closer.

“Mmh,” Kaidan murmured and leaned into the offered embrace. “I think I get what you’re trying to say.”

“Really?” Jase grinned a bit. “I’m sorry seems to be better.”

“I’m sorry too, especially about the orders comment.”

“Yeah. That,” Jase nodded. “That hurt.”

“If it’s anything worth it, I’m sorry again. I didn’t mean it. I’d still follow your orders. I trust you, Shepard.” Kaidan’s thumb moved over Jase’s lips, caressing the sensitive skin. It sent a shiver down Shepard’s spine.

“Thanks. About that dog, I still want one,” Jase replied softly, closing his eyes to enjoy the thumb on his mouth.

“We will find you one. I’m sure there are plenty of dogs in shelters, looking for a new home.” Kaidan moved his hand to the back of Jase’s head.

“Shelter dog? Good thinking, Major,” Jase smiled, letting his head fall back into Kaidan’s hand. It was a wonderful feeling having his scalp gently massaged.

“I might be getting old, but not senile, Commander,” Kaidan teased him.

“Old? Having a bit of grey in your hair doesn’t make you old. Last I checked I found no wrinkled skin on you. Yet.” Jase chuckled then and yelped a bit when he got playfully slapped on the shoulder.

“In this case, Commander, I suggest you check out the merchandise and inspect it thoroughly.” Kaidan whispered into his ear.

Jase groaned, moved and captured Kaidan’s mouth, kissing him. Just a few seconds later he found himself getting lost in all these feelings and sensations.

Kaidan broke the kiss then and suggested, “Why don’t we take this upstairs?”

“To inspect the merchandise?” Jase asked breathlessly and licked his lips, focusing back on Kaidan’s.

“Yes. I don’t want to embarrass ourselves in front of my mom. She’d freak seeing her son making out with his lover on  _her_ couch.”

“Not a good impression I’d leave behind. Speaking of, the merchandise is about to bust my jeans. Help me up?”

Kaidan grinned and moved away from Jase, adjusting himself before holding out his hand. Shepard took it and with Kaidan’s help, he got off the couch. A crack in the knee, another one in the lower back, added by a soft groan, Jase stood and snatched another kiss from Kaidan.

“Let’s go,” he half ordered and limped at first towards the stairs. Then his body began to cooperate and the limp was fading, barely noticeable.

“Right behind you,” Kaidan commented and followed him quietly, enjoying the view of Jase’s behind. “You know, I’ve always got your back.”

Jase grinned to himself and started to climb up the stairs. “I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way Kaidan. And I trust you’ll continue to.”

The implications, the trust, the love. Feeling safe, secure, protected.

“Always, Shepard, until the end.” Kaidan said and Jase stopped mid stairs, peering down at him.

“Always, Kaidan, until the end.” It was a vow and Jase knew it. And Kaidan just realized it too.

“Is this something you’d want Jase?” Kaidan asked, waiting for Jase to continue to climb the stairs.

A sharp nod was the reply, followed by getting up another three steps.

“After everything we’ve been through? Hell yes.” Step. “Yes Kaidan.” Step. “I want to marry you, spend the rest of my life with you.” Jase sighed softly as he had finally reached the last one.

“Heh, wait a minute. You’re proposing to me here on the stairs in my mother’s house?”

“Yeah. Think I just did. Don’t expect me to kneel down. Might not be able to get back up.” Jase joked softly and turned around, now that they had mastered the stairs.

“Didn’t we, uh, come up here to have sex?” Kaidan asked amused.

“No. We came up here to make love. Difference Kaidan. Sex is for one night stands. With you, it’s always about making love.”

“Always?”

“Always.”

“So the sanity check was…?”

“Making love. Yes or no, Kaidan?”

“Yes or no, Shepard? Ah! Well, if you’re asking me like this, I think I need to think about it.”

Jase’s face fell. And Kaidan laughed then lightly. “Sorry Shepard, I was just pulling your leg. I don’t need to think about it.”

“And? The answer is? Come on Kaidan…” Jase shrugged at him, wanting to know.

“Yes.”

“Yes?” Jase asked, grinning.

“I’ll marry you, Shepard.”

Kaidan didn’t have a chance to say more as a mouth captured his and a tongue was invading, inviting him to a duel which he gladly accepted. Kaidan remembered getting them into their room and managing to close to the door just in time, before his shirt got removed, zippers were opened, pants fell onto the floor and eventually, somehow, both of them ended up on their bed. This time Shepard was topping, marveling at the beauty Kaidan was. And soon to be husband. Jase took his sweet time with them, bringing them to the brink and back off, just to repeat the game of drawing out their love making until he knew he couldn’t torture Kaidan and himself any longer.

“Shepard?”

“Mmh?”

“I love you, Jase,” Kaidan whispered into his neck.

“Love you too, Kaidan,” Jase replied softly and got more comfortable. He knew he felt happy, very happy in fact. It was the same feeling he had experienced after they had agreed to take things further.

Happy. Yes. And there was a future - their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I guess the end of this chapter is a bit cheesy... well duh, maybe more than a bit but it just happened like this. And hell, why not? After everything that happened? Why the hell not.
> 
> Right now I don't know if there will be another chapter. However, I have the nagging thought to write a little follow up, see how they are doing in, let's say, a year or so from this point on.
> 
>  
> 
> And a few credits where credits are due:
> 
> The amazing artwork of Andrew Ryan, which actually inspired me to write this.  
> Camouflage - listening to their music was a great help too  
> my friend


End file.
